just keep swimming | l.h.

7

Luke and I watched the movie without talking at all, even though I could see him glancing at me a few times and I had to admit that I was looking over to him a few times aswell. He looked really good in the black tank top he wore that day.

Like expected I cried two times during the movie and each time, Luke didn't laugh at me. He handed me tissues, rubbed my arm gently and smiled at me, which I appreciated very much.

When the movie ended, Luke asked me if I would want to go and see his room and of course I wanted to. I was curious what his room looked like anyways.

His room looked nothing like I expected it to be. I thought it would be bright like the other rooms, the walls plain white, but that was not how his room looked like.

The walls, which he told me, were painted by himself and Calum were colored in a really dark shade of green and one of the walls was fully covered by a giant book shelf. Luke had tons of books in his room and I asked him if he had read all of them.

He told me that he didn't, these were books he bought or got as a present and he planned on reading all of them before moving out of this house, he just made it through the first half yet.

Luke and I sat down on the couch of his big, very tidied up room and just looked at each other for a few seconds, until Luke started making funny faces and I started laughing.

At one point, I looked down at my leg and I saw that my shorts were actually raised a bit higher, so some of my cuts and scars were clearly visible. I tried to cover my thigh quickly, but Luke took my hand and said:"I have already seen them, Bella."

I thought back about the day at the beach where he saved my life and I remembered how I used to hate him so much and now I started to really like him.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Bella? You don't need to do this" Luke said quietly, he sounded close to tears.

Thinking of Luke crying almost made me cry so I quickly answered:"Because I need to feel alive. The pain makes me feel alive when I'm feeling like there's nothing left anymore"

Luke looked into my eyes, his blue ones obviously watery, then he told me:"But you shouldn't have to hurt yourself, Bella. There's always another way."

I started getting annoyed by this topic, it was time to drop it.

"It's my business, can we stop talking about it now?"

Luke suddenly didn't look as sad anymore, he looked confused and slightly angry now.

"How can you be this selfish? People worry about you, damn. "It's not your business"" he copied me in a high pitched voice.

"Exactly Luke. You don't know anything about feeling worthless, about feeling pain everyday, you have no idea how it feels to miss someone as bad as I miss my father, you have no idea how it is to be me." I sort of screamed at Luke and almost started sobbing, but I held it in because I didn't want to seem weak in front of Luke.

"How do you even know? I thought you were different, but you jump to conclusions about people you don't know a single shit about like all the others. You're nothing but a judgemental freak like everybody else."

Luke was raging and so was I. How could he dare talking to me like this?

"Can you just shut up? You don't even know what being judged means. You are good looking, you're rich, you live in a perfect house with your perfect family, you have a freaking perfect life -"

Luke interrupted me, he shouted at me:"Perfect? This place isn't perfect. My family if you can even call it that is the opposite of perfect."

Luke suddenly made me feel really dumb, he was right. I was judging him without knowing him and that was shitty, but how could I not when his life seemed to be so perfect and my own life didn't even seen worth living it most of the time.