We're Older Now

Chapter 25

People say, that pain reminds you that your happiness is a gift not to be taken for granted.

But the pain I experienced today, that pain. Is a pain that no one should have to feel. Because this pain is the sort of pain that will mask the happiness for the rest of your life. The pain that will make you feel guilty when you let yourself be happy.

-earlier that day-

"Are you ready? Graduation is upon us." Jaxon says grinning. Jemma is freaking out next to him wondering how she even graduated when all she did during these past years was party.

We are putting on our robes and walking out in line with our courses. I follow the two of them in, both excited and nervous. I had been chosen to make the opening speech for my course.

I have to sit up at the front with the rest of the graduates but Oscar had organised to have him and Xavier in the row of seats on the left and me on the edge of my row so I am next to them in a way.

I stand up and walk onto the stage. Ready to make my speech. I glance at the people sitting in their seats looking up at me.

"Today, is the day we become adults...today is the day we become accountable to someone other than ourselves. Accountable to the world." I stop, a tickle in my throat. I start to cough, to clear it but it seems to be getting worse. Soon my throats feels as though it's closing as blood continues to come out as I cough. I feel arms wrap around me.  I glance to see Xavier taking hold of me. He moves me off the stage and into the crowd where Oscar and Sally are. Xavier is holding me, trying to hand me tissue to help. I can't breathe properly.

The last thing I remember hearing before everything went black was the sound of Xavier yelling for someone to call an ambulance.

There is this incessant beeping, my eyes are still closed so the world is still black for me. I can feel that I'm laying down and that someone's hand is on mine.

I open my eyes, blinking a few times more than usual to try and get my eyes to adjust to the light. I turn my head to see Xavier there with his hand on my hand and his head on his arm. He's asleep. I smile softly and with my free hand I stroke his head.

He stirs awake and looks up, glancing at me. His eyes go wide as he realises I'm awake. I smile. He sits up a bit more and hands me a cup of water to slowly sip on. It's not until now I realise how sore my throat is.

"Wha-" Xavier stopped me from talking.

"The doctor will be in soon. Don't talk. He took the tumour from Your throat out so you'll be sore for a while." He says softly. I nod my head.

It's not long for the doctor to show himself. He gives a hesitant smile my way. I nod back.

"Okay, so we got the tumour out just in time. Now, your daughter has had some shortness of breath and was born with a collapsed lung. Now don't be alarmed. We knew this might happen. This is what we've spoken about. All we need to do is watch her for the next four weeks and if she strengthens enough you can take her home." I look at him in shock. My baby is born she's alive and breathing in this world and I haven't even seen her yet.

"She's beautiful. Just like her mother." Xavier says. He can see the worry and sadness in my eyes. Leaning over the bed to me, He kisses my forehead softly.

I can see how tired he is from the look in his eyes. I caress his cheek and pull him down slightly to press my lips against his.

I can't imagine how stressed he is. I'm worried about my girl that's for sure but he is not only worried about our daughter but about me. That's a lot for one person to worry about. Especially Xavier. He's sensative and he worries too much to begin with.

"This is the hard part. This is the beginning of the end. Now all you have to do is get through this. You're stable and there tumor was cancerous but so far there has been no sign that the cancer spread. We still have to do some more MRI scans. One on your brain and the other on your abdomen. Other than that you seem fine." He says smiling.

"C-" I stop, my voice raspy and sore.

I turn to Xavier and point to the water. He hands it to me and I sip it a little before trying again.

"Can...I...see her?" I manage to make out.

The doctor looks over my chart one more time before turning to me with a Soft smile.

"Yes. But when you get there. She'll be in an incubator. So you'll have to wear the sterile gloves and over coat before you can touch her. She is at high risky of infections and diseases because she is new born and she is a premature baby." I nod my head. It's frightening to think how much can go wrong with her.

"Also, you have to be in a wheelchair. It's hospital protocol. You've just had a C-section and a tumor resection." He says as he sees me go to stand. And again explaining it after I give him a protesting look.

I sigh and give up. Letting him call a nurse to get a wheelchair. Xavier helps me into the chair and once I'm in the chair he pushes me.

We get to the NICU, and get suited up before entering into where my baby is. I don't know how to explain it. Before Xavier even said which baby was ours. I knew. I knew as soon as my eyes landed on her. Xavier wheels me closer and I can't help the tears. She's so tiny. She's too small, too small to be alive. I want nothing more than to have her back in my womb. Where she is safe. Where I can protect her from everything.

I reach out and pick her up, bringing her back to my chest. She feels as light as a feather. I keep her close, Xavier is next to me, his hands on my shoulders. I cradle her closely, not wanting to let go.