All I Want

all because of me | 13

disclaimer: this chapter deals with topics such as suicide.
•Riley•

I couldn't sleep so I got up quietly to avoid Emily waking up and went into the kitchen. I turn the kettle on and watch the water's steam rise up and start to bubble.

After a few minutes, it clicks and I pour myself a cup of tea. I take a seat on the table and look out the window, it's completely dark outside. I look away after staring at the trees, it's kinda creepy being in such an isolated place.

"Hey," A voice says from behind me and I jump in surprise. Eldon smiles and takes a seat opposite me, "Sorry, Riley,"

"No it's okay," I say and place my cup down.

"Thank you for what you did to James today," He says.

I shake my head, "No, I didn't do anything,"

"You being here is what is helping enough," Eldon answers and stares at me for awhile, "I didn't know this before but James started smoking two months ago,"

I choke on my tea and cough, "What?"

"I found him this morning, smoking, before you came at the door," He explains sadly

I get up from my seat, "I need to go talk to him,"

Eldon places a hand in front of me, "Not at this time of night. He needs his sleep and please be more quiet,"

"Too late for that," Another voice says from behind me. West takes a seat as well.

"Sorry for waking you up," I say

He shrugs, "Don't even worry about it,"

I flinch slightly at that catch phrase. Only James could say it better than anymore. West doesn't seem to notice because he's too busy glancing at Eldon who is glancing at him back.

"What's wrong?" I ask, "You guys have been doing that every since we got here,"

West sighs, "We have something to tell you about James and I know we can trust you because you are close to him. You deserve to know and so does his family. But there's a problem because if we do tell you-"

"Please tell me," I tell them in concern.

"I'm sorry, Riley," Eldon starts and then hesitates, his voice cracks and he coughs, "James... James tried to take his own life-" Eldon looks down at the table unable to finish.

"It happened back in England... That's the reason why Ella made us come back here,"  West continues sadly, "We got there in time and stopped him,"

I stare at them speechless, in shock. Tears are running down my face. It's all because of me. James loves me so much to the point where he would do that because of how much pain I put him in.

I nearly killed him.

I drove himself to do it.

I cover my mouth with my hands in a silent scream. Eldon and West come to my side and pull me into a hug.

I sob onto their shoulders and whisper that everything is alright as they carry me back to bed.

But I know that everything won't be alright...

I cry myself to sleep.

***
if anyone has been watching 13 Reasons Why I know it gives us an important message about suicide and I sorta wanted to address that here.

no matter how much pain you are in, please don't turn to it as an option. think about the people around you who love you.

you are not alone, you matter, you are amazing, you are beautiful. Stay strong.

I love you all ❤️