All I Want

that was not me | 21

•James•

I open my eyes slowly and find myself lying in bed. Riley sits at the foot of my bed, reading a book.

A sharp pain erupts in my head and the room spins. I groan in pain and look around frantically for a bucket. Fortunately, it's placed beside my bed and I hurl whatever I had for dinner inside it.

I look at my bedside table for a glass of water but I find a glass of alcohol instead.

"What?" I mumble in confusion and look at Riley, who stares at me sadly.

"It's for you," She nods hesitantly.

I glance at it cautiously before gulping it down. I've missed the bitter taste of it but I feel so wrong for drinking it. I frown, disoriented.

"What's the time?" I whisper

"It's six in the afternoon," Riley answers and puts her book down.

The room spins again and I lie down, "I did something again, didn't I, Riley?"

I can't seem to remember what I did this morning. My head pounds loudly, it's like I can feel my heartbeat in my ears.

She looks at me for a long while, "You had a withdrawal from alcohol and cigarettes, it was my fault, I took them away from you without knowing how it would affect your health... I'm so sorry,"

I reach out for her and she takes my hand, "You didn't know," I whisper sadly, "But what did I do?"

Riley looks me in the eye, "You went aggressive, you punched West in the face and you... nearly punched me,"

I sit up quickly and wrap my arms around Riley tightly. She hesitates before doing the same.

"I'm so sorry, so so sorry," I whisper sadly in her ear. I've caused her so much pain, "It wasn't me,"

"I know, James... I know that you wouldn't hurt me. I'm the one who should be sorry," Riley answers.

"Where's West?"

"He's in the living room but I can bring him in here for you,"

I nod and Riley gets up. I curse to myself, why do I break everything I touch?

After a few minutes West comes and sits on Eldon's bed opposite me, "Hey bro,"

His face looks pretty busted and bruised from where I hit him on the cheekbone.

"I'm sorry man," I say

He shakes his head, "You know what you would say 'don't even worry about it'. It wasn't your fault I was just jumping in to protect Eldon,"

My head snaps up, "You mean I was about to hit Eldon?"

West nods slowly. I punch the mattress of my bed suddenly which causes West to flinch. I love them both equally but I practically grew up with Eldon. He's like the brother I never had.

"What the heck is wrong with me?" I cry out

West shakes his head, "There's nothing wrong with you James. You're a good person, it's just all the drugs that took over you but I promise with Riley's help you can get better. She's here for you, we are here for you,"

I sigh and shake my head, "You're wrong about one thing. I'm not a good man,"