All I Want

just move on | 14

•James•

I stare at the road leading back to the highway. I'm not ready to go home just yet.

I hear the door opening and someone takes a seat beside me on the veranda, I immediately know who it is.

"Can we talk?" She whispers. I nod my head, letting her know that I'm listening, "I- I know what you did, in England,"

I nod again, "So they told you, didn't they, Riley? What are you blaming yourself for what I did? You shouldn't because it was my choice and my choice only,"

"But it was because of me that you were going to do it, wasn't it?" She whispers

I don't answer her and kick at a stone near my foot.

She takes a sharp breath of air, "I don't think we should be together..." For a moment, the air gets knocked out of my lungs. I'm falling... why can't she just save me?

"I-I did this to you and I don't ever want it to happen again. What if I hurt you again, how are you going to cope with that? Our relationship will be so toxic because I'll just fear that if I break up with you, that you will do it again and I don't you to be like this. I want you to live a happy life with a girl who loves you completely. You don't deserve me, James. Why couldn't you just move on?"

I look up at her this time slowly, her eyes shine with tears, "Don't you understand anything, Riley? I love you and only you there will never be someone like you,"

"That's my point James. What if I don't love you back one day?" She whispers

The words cut deep into my heart and I feel myself slowly being taken away by the voices in my head telling me that life isn't worth living without her.

"Then, I'll move on," I choke out, "If that's what makes you happy,"

She shakes her head, "I want you to be the one who is happy,"

"I understand,"

Riley looks into my eyes for a long time, "You don't,"

I close my eyes, "Just leave me, Riley, go back home and forget me,"

"I can't," She whispers

I stand up, "Then what are you trying to say? You want me to move on but you want to stay, you want to love me but you want to leave me again. Tell me what you want Riley, help me understand!" I shout in her face.

She flinches from my words and I get up and go back inside the cottage, pulling a beer out of the fridge and gulping it down. The glass bottle is cold against my fingers.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Riley looking at me in shock and I give her a sarcastic smile.

She suddenly moves towards me and takes the bottle out of my hands, pulling me into a long kiss. I find myself kissing her back.

Riley looks into my eyes, pleading with me, "Don't James, please stop this,"

***
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