Letters to Ashton

Day Five

27 September, 2013
Day 5 without you

I finally slept. I played your songs on my phone and had them stream through my headphones. It almost felt, for a moment, like you were there with me. I actually think you were.

I had a dream about you. You were still alive and for those couple of minutes that I was dreaming, I was happy. You hugged me and kissed me and we sang along to your favourite songs. It was only when I woke up that all of the happiness fled out of me.

The second my eyes fluttered opened, they began to blur with tears. I let out a loud, choked out, sob that caused Luke to run into the room. God bless Luke and Michael and Calum. They have all tried to comfort me in the best way possible. It was not working, but they tried and that was the only thing that warmed my lonely heart.

They haven't stopped crying either. I am not so sure that anyone in this house has.

I like that we are all in your house together; your parents, brother, and band mates. But I couldn't enjoy their company more than I could have enjoyed yours.

We all did a prayer for you today. They say you cannot pray for someone who has died already, but we did it anyways.

We all spoke in the prayer. Your mum went first, then your dad, Harry, Michael, Luke, Calum, then me. I did not really speak to God in my prayer, I mostly spoke to you. Just asking you to watch over us and help us through this constant battle of being without you.

I also prayed that you would come back.