Letters to Ashton

Day Two

24 September, 2013
Day 2 without you

I am sorry, Ashton. I am so so so sorry. I wish I could have been the one in your position at that moment when you were holding your life in those bottle of pills.

I've spent the past two days sobbing, Ashton, and words cannot come close to describing how I ache for you to just come back and hold me in your arms and tell me things are going to be okay.

But they're not. Things will never be okay, will they Ashton? They possibly cannot. Not if you are not here.

How I wish I was as brave as you, Ashton. Why am I not strong and full of courage as you were when you took your life? Oh, how I wish I was. I long to be with you again and I can not be with you if I am still on this Earth.

Everyone is telling me to stay strong but how can I? You were what was keeping me strong since I was beginning to feel weak. And now what? What is going to keep me going now?

I miss you so much, Ashton. All of us miss you. How could you have done this to us? Did you somehow think we would be able to go on with our lives without having to force ourselves to? We can barely function without you, Ash.

I can hear Luke over my breathless sobs in the bathroom. He's banging on the sink, crying. Is that what you wanted? Did you want us to suffer without you? There could not have been a way that you thought that we would have been okay. We are all far from okay. There has not been one moment where your name doesn't slip out from our cries of sadness.

We all miss you dearly, Ashton. Please come back.