Letters to Ashton

Day Four

26 September, 2013
Day 4 without you

There was not one person who was not crying at your funeral today. Some fans showed up and they all sobbed, possibly harder than I did, and they didn't even know you personally, Ashton. How does that make you feel? You've affected everyone, even the ones that did not know you.

I prayed to God, when I saw you laying there with your eyes closed and lifeless and breathless, that if somehow he could that he could have us switch places. I prayed that same prayer for 10 minutes right in front of you. I never wanted to see you like that, Ashton. Why did you have to make me go through that?

I spoke about you, at the funeral I mean. They were the only 3 minutes since you passed that I did not cry. I could not cry, not in front of you at least. I wanted to show you how strong I am when I am around you. I hope you are proud.

I said how lovely you are and the impact you've had on all of us, on everyone actually. I said how much we all miss you, how much I miss you, how you're an inspiration to us all. You know that you are, don't you Ashton?

When I saw you being lowered into the ground that was when I lost it. Luke and Michael had to hold me back from pulling you back out.

I never wanted you to leave me, Ashton.