Letters to Ashton

Ashton's Letter

Hi, my love.

You think that you will be seeing me in a matter of weeks, but this letter will explain why you will not.

A lot of things have driven me to do this, too many to name.

I know that you will constantly blame yourself for this, but please don't.

It hurts me now to even think of you considering the fact that I did this because of you, so please do not think that. If anything, you have kept me here until today.

As much and long as I have wanted to discontinue my life, I still thank you.

I'd like to thank you for absolutely everything. For every hug you have given me, for every smile you have flashed me, for every word you have spoken to me. Just thank you. I would not have gotten this far without you.

You have let these last years be the best possible. But sometimes the best could be overlooked by the bad.

I just cannot deal with this anymore; this constant battle I have with myself of telling myself I am not worth it, but then telling myself I can get through this. It just confuses me and I can only think of one solution to it all.

I cannot get the image of your beautiful face out of my head. It is almost like you know what I am about to do and you are haunting my brain with reminders of why I should not do this.

But my mind has already been made.

I am sorry things had to end this way and I wish I could tell all of this to you with my voice but no matter now many times I have dialled your number, I still put down the phone.

I don't think I could bare the disappointed or hatred or even happiness in your voice when I would tell you what I was about to do.

So that is why I have written this letter.

I do not even know how to continue this letter, honestly. My mind is a down right mess and I cannot think properly.

But even though all of these thoughts are jumbled up in my head, there is one thing that keeps making itself clear: I love you.

- Ashton.