Letters to Ashton

Day Three

25 September, 2013
Day 3 without you

We've planned your funeral. As selfish as it sounds: I had always hoped that you would be planning mine, not the other way around. I know I sound so sick for saying it but it's true. I never wanted to live a day without you, especially not this soon. We had so much coming ahead, Ashton, how could you have given up so soon?

I haven't slept in three days. I can't become accustomed to sleeping alone. Calum has offered, but I can't find myself to accept. If I'm not sleeping with you beside me, I do not want to sleep.

I miss you so much. The only words I have barely spoken in these past days are how much I miss you. I don't know how I can continue, Ashton. I don't want to continue. I need you here with me, but you've wrecked that, or I've wrecked that, or something has wrecked that.

I just want to know why you did it. If it was because of me then I most definitely cannot continue anymore. I will surely give up on everything, without a care for my family and everyone else that could possibly care for me. Is that how you felt? Were you that desperate to leave that you only cared for that simple thing; to leave?

I guess I can understand, Ashton. But what I can't understand is why you wanted to be gone so bad.

You remember Harry don't you? Your younger brother? I've never seen a child be so broken. He thinks it's his fault; that he wasn't a good brother. He regrets that his last words were not 'I love you'. As a matter of fact, we all regret that. If I had known what was to come I would have said a countless number of 'I love you's. We all would have.

Every minute that passes by without you, I dread the next. Things are not getting better. Each moment that goes by is filled with more heart ache and crying than the last.

Tomorrow is your funeral, the first time I'll have seen you since last week when you were saying goodbye to head off on tour. I now realise the meaning behind that goodbye.