depression diary

feelings + idk anymore.

hey, i hope you all are doing good.

i don't know how i'm feeling tonight, good or bad? sad and empty? idk.

i kind of wanted to hang out with a friend today, but i didn't get to do that. it kind of sucks.

but i have a five day weekend coming up and so does she, so hopefully it'll work out perfectly. maybe.

hopefully nothing ruins it. but something could ruin it.

i always feel like something ruins stuff for me, something always gets in the way.

like for example, the whole thing with ryan and what he said about prom to the whole fucking class.

it really hurt.

i wanted to cry in a hole because of that. no one realizes that the shit they say, fucking matters.

they're going to realize that the real world won't be like high school. no one will act afraid of you because you're one of the "cool kids" or "popular kids"

things will be so much different.

i feel angry though. i feel really angry. i feel like that them being told if they don't stop they won't be allowed on the baseball team isn't enough. isn't enough justice.

but it will have to be.

no matter how much i want them to die for what they've said, it'll have to be good enough for me. for others too.

my english teacher had told me on the day it happened that she had heard first period that ryan had said something to nathan about him knowing the inside of a courtroom.

nathan is still on megan's list, i believe.

he had sent something he shouldn't have or even emailed a girl or someone a nude. that's all i know of it.

no one knows what it's like to be me.

you're envious of the pretty girls at school. the popular ones. the ones that aren't popular but are still accepted.

you want things to get better, no matter what you've been through and what you've been told or called.

you deal with assholes who make you feel like shit at school every day.

who have people who make you feel so small, when they should bring you up.

you have a father who makes you feel bad about your weight.

you try to fake a smile and pass off as being okay every day at school.