depression diary

a scary joke + meh :/

   hey guys, i hope you're doing well.

   i'm doing okay, like usual. when i say that i'm doing okay, there's times i'm doing good but then there's times that i'm not doing good.

   i honestly wish i could just be good all together. like i'm done saying i'm okay. i feel sick and tired of my life being like this. but i don't know what i need to do to change it.

   so anyways, i'm going to start talking about the scary joke and other stuff, usual stuff.

   this one boy at my school, who i won't say bc i don't really feel like it. i might mention his name, idk if i will though. we'll see.

   this boy had made a joke one day at lunch. i'm thinking it was on friday, but i could be wrong. but it was just recently. he's been going through a lot recently. i hope he gets better.

   he tried to kill himself. he lost his best friend because of his best friend's girlfriend i believe. i've only heard bits and pieces of the story. but i believe he tried to kill himself by drinking.

   he made this joke at lunch, saying that he was going to shoot up the school and that he had a list of people he was going to kill. i don't talk to this boy and i've never done anything to him and i doubt he even knows my name. so i know i wouldn't be on this list. i'm glad.

   this one girl i'm kinda friends with told me and my "friend" alex that his used to be best friend is first on his list. like damn. i feel for this guy. he's going though a lot.

   the girl i'm kinda friends with said that she thinks this one girl, who's the sister of this boy who's a senior with me, told the principal. i heard that this morning there were cops outside of the school. like omg.

   even though this boy said he was joking about shooting up the school and having a list, this honestly fucking scares me. like what if this boy actually tries to do this? i'll be terrified.

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   today my "friend" alex said "when the autism is kicking in" bc i was kinda having a hard time putting tape on something in my art class (it's watercolor related and it's late and i'm tired so i won't go in full depth about it rn)

   he knows i have autism. i wish i never told him and i wish there was a way to disguise that i have it. i'm honestly so afraid that if people at my school know i'll be given shit bc of it.

   i don't want people to give me shit about it. because it'll hit me hard if they do. most of my high school years i've dealt with bullying related shit and i'm so tired of it all.

   what hurts is that he knows i have autism and that it hurts my feelings when he says shit like that to me. i tell myself that if he was really my friend and cared, he wouldn't say shit like that.

   i should drop him, i really should. i should've dropped him and found better friends a very long time ago. i regret it. but it is what it is. it's senior year and it's especially really hard to make friends during this year of high school.

   if i had good friends that i hung out with at school, could be myself around, and had a lot of my classes with, i'd drop him and my other "friend" reanne. but it's so difficult bc i don't have that. if i drop them i feel like i'll be alone.

   anyways, this is enough about something  shitty that's going on in my life. i hope you all are doing well, better than me at least.