depression diary

exhausted + weight stuff

   hey guys, i hope you're doing well.

   lately my younger sister has been acting horrible, but when doesn't she? it seems like she is acting more horrible than usual.

   my family might have to move. our neighbors might turn off the water at the camp next door to us. we don't have a water well, so we use the camp's tank for our water.

   we've been looking at houses down near my dad's friend's place. if we lived near him he would offer us some jobs. moving down there would kinda be a fresh start for me.

   i kinda want to move. because i've seen everything where i currently live and i've been here what feels like an eternity. i would like a change of scenery. but moving is expensive.

   honestly, i wish i could just go my separate ways from my family. get my own place or whatever. but money is one of the things stopping me. being around them makes me feel exhausted sometimes. especially my sister, when she acts horrible towards me.

   i haven't written anything since june. i know i said i would be more active on here. i don't really have any excuses for not being active.

   so recently i had weighed myself, i don't know how long ago this was. i hit around 200 pounds or so. i never thought i would. i felt disgusted and sad and ashamed of my body even more. if my dad knew this he would give me so much shit about it. he thinks i weigh this much anyways. lately he's been nice to me and not so mean so things have been okay. but he has his times where he is mean and miserable.

   but i feel so ashamed. because of my dad it was put in my mind that i had to lose weight. i definitely need to lose some at least. he even told me a couple times that i have an eating disorder. i actually thought about that before. i had some thoughts that maybe i did have one. if i did i think it might be overeating. i'm not sure about binging though. probably just overeating. it makes me feel horrible.

   i've seen things that say your weight doesn't define you, which it doesn't. that you should love yourself. i've had thoughts like "maybe if i lost some weight, i'd love my body more" but something tells me that even if i did, i wouldn't love myself. i really do want to lose some weight. i hate my fat stomach, i hate seeing how big it looks. the only way i think i can really lose weight is if i force myself to eat less, but it's a struggle to do that it. i know i need to change my diet a bit. i think i eat too much pasta and such. i need to quit soda.

   if i could drink non flavored water without any struggles, i would quit soda. but i struggle to drink water, probably because it lacks flavor. my mom says the propel flavored water is expensive. i don't even know how much more expensive it is. if i had that, i would only drink that along with gatorade and other things.

   i just need to force myself to not eat so much. to be more active. to drink more water. to eat better. but it feels so difficult to do.

   i hope you guys are doing good. remember to wear a mask and social distance <3