depression diary

18 + shit feelings

hey guys, i hope you're all doing well.

so my birthday was on june 28th. i don't exactly know how i feel about being an adult now. truly, i don't like it that much. because this is proof that i'm getting older. it's also proof that i'm no longer a teen or a kid.

i won't be able to go to high school anymore, stay home and do nothing on the weekends, etc. maybe some days on the weekends i could have a lazy day or take a day for myself.

i still feel the same, maybe a bit older.

anyways, i'm also having shit feelings and such.

yesterday i probably should've went to work. it started with me waking up and not feeling well. of course, my mom being my mom, kept trying to get me up for work and wouldn't leave me alone. then of course, she talked to my job coach and shit and well let's just say i got my way surprisingly and i didn't go to work.

but if i miss one more day, i'm "fired" from the program. also, the guidance counselor at my school that i graduated from is trying to get me extended hours. so i'd get more money.

i don't know if this means that i would get 3 more days. 3 more strikes. i really hope so.

yesterday in the morning when i was trying to get out of going to work, i felt hopeless. i felt like i woukdn't get anywhere in life, that i'd never do the things i want to do in my life.

i truly had felt hopelessness about the fact that i probably would never lose any weight ever.

i really need to lose weight. i weigh close to 200 pounds. part of why i probably feel/believe that i need to lose weight is probably because my dad constantly says horrible things to me about my weight. he's called my stomach a spare tire, he's told me i'm going to be in to 200 pound club, called my sides love handles, etc.

even my 11 year old sister gives me shit about my weight and she's kinda chubby too. so my dad started saying shit to her about her weight. i'm legit so sick of my dad and my sister making me feel horrible about my weight.

i need to lose weight. no matter what it takes. i need to stop this fucking snacking. i need to exercise more, eat more veggies and shit.

i need to try to eat healthier. maybe if i worked out and ate healthy, etc, i'd lose some weight.

i'm tired and it's late so i'm ending this chapter

on a brighter note though, i bought the crash bandicoot N Sane Trilogy. part of me feels guilty for getting it bc it was $39.99

but it came out of my own money.

it'll probably take a couple days to install but i'm excited to play the game a lot. i'm sure there's lots of levels and stuff to complete.

also, i have crash twin insanity from 2004 but it's for Xbox. according to google it'll work in the xbox one. i just have to figure out how.

it's in it right now even tho it's a bit scratched. i don't know if it should be in my xbox. but oh well. i don't think it'll give it any damage.

well goodnight guys, hope you're doing well 🦋