Tame (Fillie Fanfic) [ON HOLD]

Chapter 17- This is a Mistake

A/N: Hey guys, just wanted to give a huge shout out to @duff3000 for writing this chapter, she did an amazing job and I hope you enjoy. She is an awesome editor.

Chapter 17- This is a Mistake

*MILLIE'S POV*
Embarrassment. That is all I feel right now. I am on this floor, my knees are weak and my heart can be heard from thousands of miles away. Finn was sitting in front of me, like he was obligated to be there for me on his own birthday.

"Um, how are you?" He stood up and straightened out the buttoned up shirt he was wearing.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to deal with the awkwardness, the embarrassment, the stupid guilt eating me up inside. I don't even know why I feel this way, but there's something there, like when a word is on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember it. You grasp at it, but in doing so push it further away. I know there's something at the back of my mind, a memory desperate to be uncovered, but every time I look I can't find it.

"Millie? I asked how you are" said Finn, sounding a little annoyed.

"How do you think?" I answered. I was sick of people asking how I was, did I need anything, can you tell me what happened. Sick of being treated like some silly child. But then what did I expect, what I'd done was childish. I didn't want to kill myself. Why had I done it? What did I need?

"I'm sorry, Finn" I said, sighing, realising that he genuinely wanted to know how I was. I'd spent 3 weeks pushing people away, the doctors, nurses, even my family. I felt tired, weary of maintaining this facade, it was time to let someone in. It was time to be human again, if only for today, for Finn's birthday.

"Shall we go outside? It's warm today" he suggested.

"Yeah, that'd be nice...but I'm not allowed outside" I added bitterly. You had to behave in this place to earn the privilege of being able to walk the grounds, and I hadn't.

"Let me talk to them" Finn said, walking off to speak to Doctor Montgomery.

Yeah, good luck with that, Finn.

*FINN'S POV*

"Doctor Montgomery?" I saw the doc turn around upon hearing his name. He looked tired and stressed. I guess it can't be easy dealing with the nutjobs and headcases in this place, I thought, smiling to myself, until it dawned on me why I was here again, shit.

"Yes, Mr...?"

"Wolfhard, you can call me Finn. I'm Millie's boyfriend" I explained. I saw as he studied me briefly, his face falling into an unamused position.

"Ah yes, you're the letter writer" he said.

What the fuck is that meant to mean? "Yeah, um, listen, can we take a walk in the grounds today? I'll take care of her, I promise I won't let her out of my sight." I prayed that he would agree, I can't stand being in this place a second longer, surrounded by white coats and dead eyed patients. I could already see that Millie's eyes had lost some of their spark, they looked dull as if they could no longer light up a room and it scared me. What if the Millie I knew was gone, forever? It would be my fault, I hurt her, I caused this. Why couldn't I just love her like I was meant to, like I should?

"You can take her out for 1 hour, she must be back by 12 o'clock for lunch and meds, understand?" I nodded and started walking back to Millie's room. "Romeo will escort you to the grounds and he'll escort you back" he called after me.

Walking back into Millie's room I saw that she had gotten changed. They weren't allowed many of their own clothes here, but I was glad to see her make at least some effort for me. "Let's go, we have an hour." I stuck my hand out for her to take, she did so but seemed reluctant. Feeling her hand in mine reminded me of her eyes, it had lost it's spark, I no longer felt the tingle down my spine when our hands met, instead I just felt the warm flesh of her hand in mine, nothing more.

*MILLIE'S POV*

As I took Finn's hand I felt my breath hitch, but only because it felt so different from how I remembered it. His hand was warm and comforting, but that was all, I could no longer feel my body shiver when we touched. Numb, that's how it felt. Isn't that what I wanted though? I shouldn't complain, I didn't want to feel any more.

Finn was right, it was warm outside. The sun on my face felt good, and I found myself face up to the sky with my eyes closed, trying to soak in as much as possible as if to see me through the darkness that the night would bring.

*FINN'S POV*

Seeing her face bathed in the sunlight, I could only admire her features, she really was beautiful, but if truth be told I felt nothing, as if it was just some fascinating aesthetic in front of me. "Shall we sit over there?" I pointed to a bench next to an Indian Bean Tree, it was in full bloom and looked amazing.

"Yeah, sure" she nodded. I could see her admiring the tree too so I stood tall and picked a single blossom and gave it to her. She looked at it and smiled, but it was a sad smile. I was about to ask her about it, but then I saw her shift. She pulled out the letters that I'd sent. "I think we need to talk" she said, finally looking me in the eye. I nodded. In my heart I was glad that she'd brought up this conversation, it wasn't going to be easy.

"I don't really know where to start" she said. She was fiddling with her hands, a habit she had when she was nervous. "I, um, is everything ok at home? Your parents?"

"I guess, it's normal to be honest, nothing new. I mean, it's not great, but it'll be fine, I barely see them anyway so I'll just make sure I see them less. But I'm not really here to talk about them, Millie" I said, probably more harshly than I intended.

"Wow, sorry for caring, Finn...but I guess that's part of the problem, isn't it? Caring too much...or too little." Her words were like knives, but I knew I deserved them, especially when she passed me the letter I'd written about me cheating on her. She didn't say a word as she did so, she didn't have to. All i could do was close my eyes and sigh, I knew it was wrong, even when I'd done it. But I didn't know why I'd done it though.

"Finn" she said, bringing me out of my reverie, "we shouldn't be together, not any more. I can't love you, and you don't know how to love me."

And that's when her words hit me.

But why did I feel nothing?