Jumbled Heartaches

Muddy Mess

I hear a pounding on the door.
"Bitch! Would you please talk to me!" Zoe's voice fills my air for the millionth time since dinner. "Please? I snuck a cupcake! You can have it if you want."
Food.
That's one thing I will almost always respond to.
I hesitate, opening the door a crack.
"Show it to me."
She grabs the cupcake from the desk and holds it up.
Chocolate.
I bite my lip, and slowly exit the bathroom, taking it from her outstretched hand.
I make my way to my bed, sitting down, peeling the wrapper off.
"Jenny, I'm sorry for being rude. I love you."
I study her, chewing my cupcake.
"I forgive you." I say, ready to drop the subject.
She smiles.
"Okay."
"And I love you too." I add.
She settles down on her bed.
I look at the clock.
It's nine.
There's a sharp knock on the door, and the counselor peeks her head into the room.
"How's it going girls?"
"Fine."
"Well, its lights out. Put your PJ's on and get in bed. I'll be back in five minutes."
She walks out.
I roll my eyes, looking at Zoe.
"I want to go home."
"Same." She mutters.
I sigh, standing up.
I change into purple sweatpants and a white t-shirt, and I go brush my teeth and hair and get in bed.
Zoe does the same, ranking the brush through her black hair, and then she gets in bed and shuts the light out.
The door opens and the lady sticks her head back into the room.
When she sees it's dark, she says, "goodnight girls."
"Goodnight." We mumble back to her.
She walks out, and I hear her locking our door.
I hate this place.
The second she's gone, Zoe pulls her phone out.
"Come get in bed with me so we can watch Netflix." She says.
I get out of bed and walk over to her, climbing into bed with her.
Honestly, I love cuddling.
Not with her, necessarily, but I like to feel like I'm not alone. I like to feel protected.
I'm constantly scared and alone. I can feel students glaring at me in disgust as I walk through the halls.
I want to be protected for once in my damn life.
I shake my head to clear the thought away and situate myself.
She pulls Netflix up on her phone and clicks for the next episode of Switched at Birth.
We lay there until we feel like we're going to fall asleep, and then I switch back to my bed, mumbling goodnight to her.
I pass out.

***

The chirp sound of the bell rips me out of sleep.
Six in the morning.
That bell is the alarm clock. It wakes all the students.
Zoe lets out a loud groan.
"We should've gone to bed sooner." I mutter, unable to drag myself out of bed.
I want to go back to sleep, but I know better.
I roll to my right, falling onto the tan carpet.
The dorms aren't too bad. The carpets are thick and tan, the walls a soft purple. The beds are made with things from each others houses.
When you walk into the room, there's a door on your left on the wall. That's the bathroom. You move in further and the wall still extends to doors on your left and right, and they're your closet, then the room widens and there's a bed on the right and a bed on the left.
I'm on the right.
We have a desk against the window and a bedside table at the head of our beds. Under the bed is three huge drawers for clothing.
The desk has a TV on it.
There's little folded tables under our side tables to do our homework on.
It's honestly not that bad.
I rub my face and drag myself to the bathroom.
I shower fast and brush my teeth and hair. I pee and wipe and flush and wash my hands.
My hair is long and blond and curly.
My Mom has the blonde curls, but her hair is lighter. I got my Dad's hair color.
I stare at myself in the mirror.
I'm as pale as possible, my blue eyes stare back at me.
I can't look any longer.
I throw my wet hair up into a bun and walk out in a towel.
Zoe goes in after me and shuts the door.
I roll on deodorant and drop my towel.
I pull on pink panties and a real bra. I put on a black zipper jacket and a white tank top under this, and black sweatpants with blue shirt shorts under it so I won't have underwear lines. I zip my jacket up all the way.
Ten minutes later Zoe comes out. She dresses and we leave.
I love her style. She's wearing black skinny jeans, a white band t-shirt with the front tucked in, and a black leather jacket. She has makeup on.
I don't understand how she can be so confident.
We grab our bags and leave the room, locking it.
We head to the cafeteria to get breakfast.
I just eat cereal.
We eat and go to class.
I get a seat next to her. This is math.
We don't have electives here, only the state graduation requirements, like math and history and English and things along the lines of that.
I work hard on this stuff.
We stay quiet.
My slide phone buzzes in my pocket.
I pull it out.
Momma: good morning my beautiful girl! I love you!
I sigh.
Me: good morning, I love you too
I send it and shove my phone back in my pocket.
Zoe looks at me.
Everyone is talking this morning, people filing in slowly.
They're all slightly happy today, which is different.
We're being rather loud though.
I sit, talking to Zoe, when suddenly, everything goes quiet.
I frown, looking around for the source.
My eyes land on him.
Ian Grant, accompanied by Jacob Shiner.
Ian is beautiful. His muscles are huge, and every time I go to the gym, he's there. He's never spoken to me, or even looked at me.
He knows who I am though, because everyone knows everyone.
I can't help but be attracted to him. All the girls are. His presence is mesmerizing. He's six foot or more. His eyes are a captivating blue. He's beautiful. His hair is a dirty blonde, and he has a matching beard.
Most guys with facial hair are gross. I hate hair.
Him though, it's another story.
He's so hot.
I feel Zoe elbow me in the ribs.
"Stop staring." She hisses.
I look away just as he turns in my direction.
Every girl thinks he's attractive.
I, however, think he's a fucking dick.
A really, really attractive one.
He walks past my table to sit at the one behind me.
The chatter dies down, and Mr. Walk starts to teach.
I work carefully and take notes.
My hood is up because I don't want my neck exposed.
I work hard. Zoe looks completely lost, and I make a mental note to teach her later.
After the hour passes, the bell rings, and we all head to history.
I do the same thing, paying attention and taking notes.
Then we go to lunch, and I eat in silence today because I'm just down in the dumps.
I feel everyone staring at my back, I can hear them whispering about me.
When the bell rings, we all head to the gym for P.E.
I get there with Zoe.
Our class has two days a week of health and three days a week of actually being physical.
Today is a physical day.
"Let's head to the stables today, class." Ms. Lawrence says.
I don't want to be in the blistering heat for everyone to stare at me.
We all have to go one at a time on a horse.
Irritated, I head out of there with Zoe.
We sit around while everyone takes turns going on horses.
We're watching as these kids ride, and the creepy kid from yesterday is on the horse, and he falls off and lands face first.
When he sits up, his nose is gushing blood.
"Oh dear." Ms. Lawrence says. "Okay...um, Jennifer and Ian...you two are next. Get on and don't move until I get back."
I freeze.
Me? And Ian?
Fuck no.
I've never gone on with anyone but Zoe.
Ian starts to protest, but she walks away.
"How is that idiot going to ride a fucking horse?" The girl next to me snickers.
I feel myself shrink in my clothes.
I look at Zoe.
Ian is already walking over to the horse, and I watch as he gets on with ease.
Slowly, I stand up.
Every single eye is on me, and all they see is a mass of black clothing. I feel so insecure as I walk up and get onto the horse.
I hold onto the part of the saddle that sticks up, just looking at the intricate leather, trying to distract myself.
I'm fucking terrified. My anxiety is through the roof, my palms are sweating.
Suddenly, one of the girls waiting screams.
"Snake!" She shrieks. Everyone scrambles up, and she starts laughing. "Just kidding."
Jacob starts swearing at her.
She laughs loudly, and shrieks to fuck with him.
My horse neighs loudly and throws itself back, trying to buck me off, just as Ms. Lawrence comes back, without the creepy kid. My horse is freaking out, and Ms. Lawrence starts rushing to me to calm the horse, but it's too late.
Now, the entire property is surrounded by woods, and the school is in a place called Signal Mountain.
It's October, and the edge of the school is the woods that leads down the mountain.
The horse realizes I'm not getting off and takes off at a canter, which is faster than a gallop, into the woods.
Oh my God.
I cling to the horse, scared.
I don't know where it's going to take me, but I know these woods go back for literally miles.
I feel my hood get pushed down by the wind, and my hair snags on a branch, letting the bun fall out. The horse runs, and runs, and runs.
And it doesn't stop until it reaches a lake. It falls to a halt, and then it throws me.
I shoot forward, slamming into a puddle of thick mud on the lake edge, and the only sound I hear is the horse galloping off.
The mud is thick and every time I try to get up, I slip.
I'm coated from head to toe in mud.
I hear the sound of another horse. A moment later, somebody is grabbing my arm and pulling me out of the mud.
I lean down cleaning the mud off my hands, and then cleaning my face off with the lake.
My hair is filthy.
I put what I can in the water, and then I turn around.
I was expecting Ms. Lawrence.
But it's not.
It's Ian Grant.
He's watching me with his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
No.
"No." I say.
I hesitate.
"Thank you." I say.
He shrugs.
"That horse took you about five miles from the school. It'll take hours to walk."
We only have one horse.
I look down at my clothes.
"It's okay, I'll walk."
"Do you have clothes under that?" He gestures to my outfit.
I have a white tank top and blue short shorts.
"If you don't, you can walk next to the horse um...I don't want to be covered in mud."
I look down at my outfit.
I don't want to expose myself.
He's looking anywhere but me.
Slowly, I unzip my jacket, my heart pounding.
The only person on this campus that has seen me this exposed is Zoe.
I peel the muddy jacket off my arms, dropping it on the ground. I take off my sweatpants and after looking down at my shoes, I ditch those too, and the socks.
I feel more exposed than I ever have in my entire life.
He looks at me now, but not at my body.
He looks at my face.
His eyes lock with mine, and I see his widen.
He inhales sharply, and his eyes stay locked on mine.
I didn't realize how blue his eyes were.
I knew they were blue and beautiful.
But to see them like this, up close like this...
I gulp.
They look like a crystal clear ocean.
The rim of his iris is black, and in his eyes there are all different shades of blue.
I swear I see specks of gold.
I can't breathe.
I can't think.
I snap myself out of it.
This is the asshole Ian! Stop getting feelings!
I drop my eyes from his face.
He clears his throat, and he snaps at me.
"Can you stop fucking staring so we can go?"
"I'm waiting for you." I say quietly.
His eyes soften for just a second as he looks into mine, and then he gets on the horse and holds his hand down to mine. I take it, and he pulls me on.
"You need to hold onto me." He says.
The last thing I want to do is wrap my arms around his stomach.
I hate my life.
I do it anyways, holding onto him.
He makes the horse start to go, and then he makes it canter.
I can feel every single muscle in his stomach. Every single ripple.
He's ripped. I can feel his stomach tense against my hands.
I drop my head onto his back.

Ian

I feel more confused than I ever have in my entire life.
I've seen hot girls before, just as exposed as this girl is.
Jennifer, I think her name is.
But when I looked into her eyes, I couldn't fucking breathe.
I don't like that.
This girl is beautiful, and she's not hot. She's beautiful. Attractive. Incredible.
And when I looked into her eyes, I wanted to know her.
I wanted to know why she wears baggy clothes. Why she lets everyone walk all over her.
I wanted her story. I wanted everything.
I want her.
I don't even want her in a sexual way, but I want her. I want her mind and her heart.
I'm hooked.
Who is this girl?
My heart is pounding widely in my chest as I feel her arms wrapped around me.
When I realized I liked her, I lashed out and snapped.
I was rude.
I shove the feeling off and keep riding.
We finally reach the clearing where the class is, and Ms. Lawrence is talking to the campus cop, and she sounds panicked.
Everyone sees us coming and stands up. Ms. Lawrence turns.
I feel the Jennifer girl pull me closer.
I wonder what's wrong with her.
I pull up and stop. She lifts her head.
I had never even seen this girls face before, I just knew the pile of black clothing was her.
She hid herself well.
I get off the horse and hold my hand down to her.
She ignores it, hopping off the horse alone.
Now that we aren't under the trees, I can see her body clearly.
She has huge tits. I'm willing to bet she has a D cup.
She isn't shaven, but we can't shave at this school.
Even her ass is nice. She's muscular. I can see when she reaches her arm up to run her fingers through her hair and her muscles move.
She's fit as hell, and I knew she worked out, but I'm willing to bet she has the start of abs, and if not, she's probably perfectly fit.
Her legs are strong, and even her feet are attractive.
Every single eye on the area is on her.
She wraps her arms around her middle.
"Who is that?" Jacob asks me, walking up. "Who are you? Are you that one girl that wears all black?"
She looks like she's going to cry.
I don't want to see tears in her beautiful eyes.
"Hey? Can you fucking speak? Answer me, bitch!"
I don't think ever in my entire life have I stood up for someone, but him calling her a bitch pisses me off.
"Shut the fuck up, faggot." I say quietly, my voice low, looking at Jacob with the angriest expression I think I've ever had on my face.
Jennifer looks at me with surprise in her eyes.
God damn, she's fucking incredible.
My eyebrows furrow when I look at her.
"What?" Jacob asks. "You're standing up for her?"
He's pissed.
"No, I'm telling you to shut the fuck up." I say.
"To stand up for her? She's a little bitch. Look at her! She's-"
I punch him, square in the nose.
I hear a sickening crunching sound.
I move closer, right in his face.
"Don't talk about her." I hiss.
I turn around and storm off, pausing to look at Ms. Lawrence.
"I better get extra credit for doing your job."