Jumbled Heartaches

3AM

"You're so ugly! Go kill yourself! I hate you and so do your parents! I'm taking Ian from you! I'm taking everyone from you! Nobody fucking likes you, Jennifer! Fuck you, you fat bitch! Go kill yourself!"

I drown out Zoe's voice and the sight of her kissing Ian and I shove out of Cosby High School.

I swear to god I can't get to my car fast enough.

I make it, and I throw up next to it, and then I speed off to my house.

I burst through the doors, and I can still hear her voice in my head.

"I'm taking Ian from you. I'm taking everyone from you."

I sprint upstairs, taking the steps two at a time, and go into my room. I grab a belt and secure it tightly around my neck, and then I stand on a chair and tie it to my closet railing.

I kick the chair out from under me.

I dangle by the neck, unable to breath, sobbing and choking on sobs at the same time.

I feel the life slowly draining out of my body.

Everything goes dark, and I feel like I'm falling, falling-

I shoot up in bed, gasping uncontrollably.

It's pitch black, and my face is wet with tears.

I hear a rustling sound as I try to get out of bed, but I'm caught in the sheets.

I can't breathe, and I can't stop crying.

Ian

The sound of somebody crying forces me out of sleep.

I take in the scene around me.

I'm in Jenny's room, my brother is on the floor next to me, and on the other blowup mattress, Dylan and Zoe are sleeping.

We all start waking up, and I see somebody from Zoe's mattress get up.

We're all sitting up, and suddenly, light floods the room.

Zoe turned the light on.

It's Jenny. She's pacing around, crying, gasping for air, with her fingers knotted into her hair.

"Jenny?" Zoe asks.

She ignores her, almost as if she didn't hear her at all.

I recognize the scene in front of me.

She's having a panic attack.

Zoe tries to grab her, but Jenny pushes her hand off, mumbling something about how Zoe wants her to die or something.

Zoe looks actually scared as Jenny continues gasping.

If she doesn't calm down, she's going to make herself throw up.

I would wake up from nightmares all the time after my parents died, and to calm myself, I always went on walks.

Jenny is wearing fuzzy white pajama pants with Mickey Mouse on them and a black tank top.

I silently stand up and walk into her bathroom, into her closet. I grab her a red hoodie and her shoes, and I hand the jacket to her.

I don't think she really knows what I'm doing, but while she's freaking out like this, there's no way for her to really know.

She puts her shoes on.

I shove my feet into my vans and pull on my jacket.

"Where are you taking her?" Zoe asks.