Jumbled Heartaches

You're Making a Mistake

I hated the feeling.

Falling in love with someone and knowing that a few months from now, you'd be single.

It's terrifying. It's the equivalent to him dying. Or I dying.

February, March, and April flew past, and before I know it, it's May 1st, and I graduate in eighteen days.

Ian and I are closer than ever, we are intensely in love, and my family loves him, and his loves me. We've done some stuff resulting in our mouths and hands and the removal of clothing, but we haven't had sex yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to have sex with him. We're going to break up anyways. I feel a burn in my chest at the painful thought, and I can't help but wonder the point of this relationship.

I love him. I really do.

I sigh, frowning at my bowl of cereal.

"What's wrong?" Mom asks, watching me.

"Nothing." I say.

"How are things with you and Ian?"

"Good."

Nobody has really asked me what's happening after high school with us.

I know they're wondering.

"So...what's going on when you move to New York? I love Ian and I know you do too sweetie, but is he moving with you?"

I want to cry.

"No." I say. "He got accepted to University of Oregon."

She's quiet for a long time.

"So what honey? Long distance?"

I shake my head.

"We're breaking up. He doesn't want long distance and neither do I."

"Well why not?" She sounds outraged.

"Mom, I really don't want to have this conversation right now."

"Jenny...you love him. He loves you. You-"

"I don't want to spend all my time in college glued to my phone. I don't want to be depressed about the distance. I don't want to be tied down yet. I'm only eighteen, and he feels the same way."

"So you'd rather be depressed because you lost the love of your life. It's not often that somebody like Ian comes along, Jenny, and you-"

"I'm going to be late to work." I say, dumping my bowl of cereal down the garbage disposal.

"Jenny," she starts.

I grab my purse off the chair next to the one I was in and walk out.

I intentionally leave my phone at home on my way out, and drive over to Uncle Arthur's bookstore.

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I've been acting weird all day, the weight of what's going to happen, what I'm going to lose in a few months, will not exit my head.

Uncle Arthur tried to send me home at noon but I just kept telling him that I didn't want to go home, and I begged him to let me close tonight.

We closed at six, and now I'm heading home.

My grandparents car is here, Aunt Amelia's car, and Uncle Arthur's.

What the hell? It's a Saturday night. Why is everyone here.

I go in the front door quietly and sneak up the stairs, changing and brushing my teeth, and then wandering downstairs.

They're making dinner.