Jumbled Heartaches

Confrontation

Jenny

I want him to be my person. I want him to be the person I run to when I'm sad. I want him to be the person that finds me when I'm upset. I want him to be the person that knows where to look. I want him to brush my hair out of my eyes and call me baby for the rest of my life. I want to hold him when he's upset and I want to hug him when he needs love and I just want to be with him for the rest of my life.
I shift in bed, staring at my alarm clock.
4:55AM
It's Sunday night. I dropped him off after our little hike, and I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, but he was all I was thinking about.
I sigh.
I just want school to start so lunch can start so I can see him.
I sigh.
Sleep is impossible.
I give up and slip out of bed. I put on warm clothes and go outside and run until the sun comes up, and then I go home and take a long shower.
I need to look good today.
I put on light blue ripped skinny jeans, a black push-up bra, a matching thong, a black tank top, and a red, brown, and black paid button down that I leave undone. I straighten my curly hair and put on my white adidas with the two black stripes on the side. I wear contacts and I always have, but I decide to wear glasses today.
I grab my bag and anything else I could need and make my way downstairs.
I eat the eggs and coffee my Mom sets in front of me, and then I go brush my teeth and wash my hands.
I go downstairs and say goodbye to my parents, kissing their cheeks, and then I slip out the door to my car.
It's snowing.
It's late February. I sigh, going to my car. I brush the snow off with my hand and start the engine.
It sputters.
Fuck.
I keep trying, and the engine won't start at all.
Shit.
I get out and go in the house.
"Dad?" I call, walking into the kitchen. "Car won't start."
He sighs.
"Dammit." He says. "Just wait until I finish breakfast."
So I sit down with them and go on my phone until he's done and ready for work, and then he comes outside with me and tries to start it.
It won't.
He jumps it with Mom's car and it sputters to life.
He gets out.
"If you need help after school, you might have to find somewhere to go until I get off work."
I nod.
"Okay."
I thank him and leave.
I drive carefully because the snow is thick and bad.
After a long time, I arrive at school, halfway into first period.
I got a ton of messages on my phone while I was driving.
I look down at them.
They're all friend Isaac.
Isaac: where are you
Isaac: Jennnnyyyyyy
Isaac: are you okay?
Isaac: should I tell Ian? He told me you guys hung out Friday but he won't tell me what you guys did
Isaac: Jen
I sigh and head into school.
I find my way to my first period, culinary.
I walk in the door and Isaac is typing quickly on his phone.
Mr. Walter looks at me.
"Jennifer. Why are you late?"
"My car wouldn't start." I say.
He nods.
"Get your work from Isaac."
I nod, sitting down next to Isaac.
He studies me.
"I already told Ian."
I shrug as I take a photo of his work.
My lack of sleep is annoying now, so I put my head down.
Isaac pokes my arm.
"Have you talked to Zoe?"
I sigh.
"Nope."
"Are you going to talk to Zoe?"
"Nope."
"Don't you have forth period with Zoe?"
"Yes. Why do you keep saying her name?"
He shrugs.
I lift my head.
"I have nothing to say to her."

***

I stare at the bell.
Just two more minutes until lunch.
This couldn't go by any slower.
I watch the seconds go by, counting them.
59...58...57
I sigh.
I'm so tired. I close my eyes.
The bell rings a bit later. In seconds, I'm on my feet.
I grab my bag and rush out of class. I stop by the bathroom to pee and then go to lunch.
When I get there, I remember I can't sit with Zoe.
My eyes scan for a seat, and I notice they're all sitting at the table.
Part of me wants to walk over there and sit down, but the rest of me doesn't want to.
She was friends with them first.
When it comes down to it, Ian, Isaac, all of them are her friends.
I can't. I'm too insecure and I don't feel like I belong.
I find a table in the corner and sit down, and everyone sits around me so I'm just mixed in with random people giving me dirty looks because I sat where they usually would sit.
I go on Instagram, and after the late bell rings, my phone vibrates.
Ian: where are you?
I send the shrugging emoji.
Ian: why aren't you over here
I hesitate.
Me: because Zoe was friend with you guys first
Ian: where are you?
Me: why?
Ian: just tell me Jenny
I get up and slip outside into the freezing weather, moping.
Ian: Jenny? I'm going to find you, you might as well just tell me
I go to the library and sit down on one of the bean bag chairs.
I hesitate.
Me: library
I start scrolling through Instagram, and less than two minutes later, Ian is standing in front of me. I look up. He smiles, crouching down.
"Why didn't you come to the table?" He asks.
I sigh. "Because Zoe was friends with you first, and-"
"I pick you, Jenny." He says.
Isaac comes strolling in then.
"Jen, I don't even want to sit with Zoe." Isaac says. "She was talking shit about you right in front of us."
I hesitate, narrowing my eyes.
"What was she saying?"
They both look mad.
"Don't worry about it." Ian says.
"I want to know what she said." I say.
They both shake their heads.
I'm so sick of people talking about me.
I stand up, grab my bag, and without a word, I walk out of the library.
I walk into the cafeteria with a purpose, and I can hear them following me. Ian catches my hand when I get to the cafeteria.
"Jenny." He says.
I pull my hand out of his and walk right up to the table, slamming my bag down.
I look at Zoe.
"If you could kindly keep my name out of your mouth unless you're going to say it to my face, I would really appreciate it." I say.
Zoe stands up.
"What the fuck did you just say bitch?"
"I said keep my name out of your fucking mouth."
I don't call her names or anything, but she was never the respectful one.
"Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch. I wish those pills killed you."
I'm mad for a second, but then I'm just hurt, staring into the eyes of my best friend. She realizes what she said after the words leave her lips.
"Jenny-"
I just shake my head, and then I smile.
"Thank god I kick you out of my house Friday." I say angrily. "I don't even recognize you! What happened to you, Zoe? You got a boyfriend and suddenly you think you're better than everyone? News flash, you're not. You are just as good as the rest of us, so stop being a bitch to me because I'm not telling you every single thing in my life when you don't tell me shit. Stop being a bitch to me when you're sitting there wishing that I did die. You can go ahead and live your life, but enjoy it without me because honestly, I want nothing to do with you."
"You tell Ian more than you tell me!" She snarls.
"Damn right I do." I say. "He's kind hearted and sweet and you're just...a shell of somebody I used to love like a sister."
"Jenny." She says.
I shake my head and turn around, walking off.
"Jenny!" She yells after me.