Jumbled Heartaches

Pool

So..." I look at Zoe. "Tell me everything."
She nods, clearing her throat.
"Okay so Jacob and Ian switched rooms so Ian was roomies with Dylan, and Dylan managed to help him control his anger. The anger was only because he was getting bullied after his parents died. Ian had a thing for you from the second he looked in your eyes. I was standing there and the counselors wouldn't leave me alone because after you told me you loved me, I freaked out and opened the door and you were unconscious or something. And everyone in the cafeteria wouldn't leave me alone and I'd sit at our table with tears in my eyes, until one day Ian and Dylan came and sat with me, and they didn't ask how you were doing, they just talked to me. Dylan was so sweet and Ian was quiet at first but he opened up. The last person he lashed out on was this guy named Carson. That was last week because we were in class and the counselors were in and we're doing that suicide awareness bullshit and some kid yelled out, 'yeah, because we don't want to end up like that Jennifer girl." She takes a breath. "Ian didn't full on punch him, he was beating the shit out of him, and Dylan had to wrench him off. It was crazy. Ian is the sweetest thing, Jenny. He really, really likes you. Do you like him?"
I cringe.
"Zo, last time I talked to him he was pouring ice water on my head. I don't hate him but he's not my favorite person, either."
She's silent.
"No. No Jenny, you need to end up with him." She shakes her head. "He's the perfect guy for you. He's so sweet and kind."
We're sitting out by the pool. It's well past midnight. We got a hotel. The guys are upstairs somewhere and our parents are too.
I start to get a bit frustrated. I hear the pool door opening.
"Zoe, last time I saw him, he was a fucking dick. I'm not just going to forget all of that. What, because he sang me a fucking song? No."
"Don't hate him, Jenny."
"I don't hate him." I throw my hands up. "But I don't necessarily like him. And how could I? He hasn't given me much of a reason to. All he's done is that song. I don't know him."
"But you'll give him a chance?" She asks. "Please?"
I fold my arms across my chest.
"Please Jen? Please?"
She's literally pleading.
"Why does this matter to you so much?" I ask.
"Because you guys are a perfect match and he really likes you."
"That means he likes me for how I look." I say. "Because he doesn't know my personality."
"I showed him videos of us last summer at that lake in Oklahoma? And I showed him videos of us joking around. He knows enough. Give him a chance?"
"I don't know." I bite my lip. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Zoe."
I turn around to walk off, and just as I reach the door, her voice stops me.
"You know how they say that a guy is most likely to marry somebody who reminds them of their Mom? And that a girl is most likely to marry someone who reminds them of their Dad?"
"Yes." I say, turning around to look at her.
"Jenny, you remind him of his Mom." She whispers. "And he acts like your Dad in certain ways."
I stare at her.
"Well-"
I cut off when the door that I'm standing in front of is opened, and Ian walks in, followed by Isaac, his brother, and Dylan.
All three of them are shirtless.
My palms start sweating at my eyes linger on Ian's body.
Jesus fuck.
His head is down because he's texting, but fuck.
His back is to me right now, and his back muscles are incredible. His ass is toned and perfectly curved. His biceps flex as he brushes his fingers through his hair and tosses his phone on a pool chair.
He turns around, and he shaved.
He couldn't shave at school. Dylan shaved too.
Ian's face looks baby smooth. He has an eight pack, literally. His pecs are huge, and with his facial hair gone, he looks kinder. His eyes look brighter. He looks happier than I think I have ever seen him.
He has a very defined V line and his swim trunks ride low enough to show the veins in the V line that lead to his-
"Are you enjoying the view?"
I rip my eyes from his body to his eyes. He has a comical glint in his eyes, a smile on his face.
My mouth is open.
I close it, clearing my throat.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." I say.
He's full on smiling now.
"You were staring." He says. "Admit it."
I shift my position by the door, and I can feel some wetness leak into my panties. My heart is pounding.
"I was not staring." I lie.
He moves closer to me, until he's right in front of me.
"Do you want to go swimming with us?"
I look down at my pajama shorts and white tank top and shake my head.
I have a sports bra on because I wear them at night.
"Why not?" He asks.
"I'm not dressed for the occasion." I say quietly.
"You can swim in shorts and a sports bra." Zoe says. She's already removing her shirt. She's in shorts. I have on light blue workout shorts, a skin colored thong under that, a black sports bra, and a white tank top.
"You can swim in that." Ian says.
Everyone is getting in the water.
Zoe was raped and has problems with guys, but she's in the water.
Ian grabs my hand and pulls me outside of the pool room.
"Nobody is going to say anything about how you look, Jenny. You are beautiful."
I swallow.
"It's okay." He smiles warmly and squeezes my hand. "I'm going to look, but that's because I'm liking what I'm seeing."
I swallow.
"Okay." I whisper. I walk back inside, and he follows me.
My heart is pounding as I remove my shirt, standing there in short shorts and a tank top.
Everyone is cheering.
"Ready?" Ian asks.
"Throw her!" Zoe says.
"Throw her! Throw her! Throw her!"
I don't want to be thrown, I'm anxious and I need time to tell myself it's okay.
They're pressuring him, and he's smiling and looking at me. I start shaking my head, but I'm expecting him to do it anyways.
But he doesn't.
"Guys, stop." Ian says calmly. "Give her time."
The Ian I knew a few months ago would've thrown me in without a second look.
Or maybe not.
Is it possible that the Ian standing before me is the same Ian that poured water on me a few months ago?
I frown.
Was he that troubled that he lashed out?
My security blanket was the clothes.
His was lashing out.
So why doesn't he lash out anymore?
I have so many unanswered questions.
"Jenny?" Ian says.
He's in the pool now, standing in front of the steps. His hand is outstretched to me.
I blink a few times, but I'm too distracted.
How did he just stop lashing out? What keeps him grounded?
I feel myself sitting down on a pool chair, burying my head in my hands, because I've been working hard to get well again and I'm worried I'm starting to slip. I'm paranoid, and I'm exposed.
The urge to run upstairs and hide my body grows stronger and stronger, and nobody is smiling as they're watching me.
I can't focus.
I feel hands on my knees. I lift my head.
Ian's eyes peer into mine.
"It's okay. You don't have to come in if you don't want to. Nobody is forcing you to do anything."
I swallow, my eyebrows furrowed.
"It's just us." He continues. "And we aren't going to judge you."
I study his eyes.
He looks so kind and caring.
I want to give in.
Slowly, I stand up. He stands up too, walking with me to the pools edge. He reaches down and grabs my hand, linking our fingers together.
His hands are rough, and mine are soft, but somehow, mine fit in his like a puzzle piece.
He takes a step every time I do, until I'm off the steps.
I take a deep breath and go under water.
And when I come up, I start smiling.
"I don't remember the last time I went swimming." I say.
"The lake." Zoe says. "Last summer, remember?"
I smile at the thought, nodding.
Dylan grabs a volleyball and we all form teams.
It's an uneven number of people.
"I say the twins are on one team and me, Zoe, and Jen are on another." Dylan says.
Zoe whispers something to Dylan.
"Or," Isaac starts. "You and Zoe are on a team, and me, Ian, and Jen are on a team."
"Or you are with us and Jen and Ian are their own team." Zoe says.
"I say we play chicken." Isaac says.
"Oh, I'm going to win." Zoe says.
"Lets do it." Dylan says. He starts pulling Zoe towards him.
I'm just slightly quiet.
"Are you not comfortable with that?" Zoe asks.
I'm going to do it.
"No, I'm going to do it." I say.
I go over to Ian.
Dylan crouches to let Zoe on.
Ian just grabs my hips and lifts me over his head.
"You're heavier than I thought." he says. "You're muscular."
I look down at my body.
"You think I'm heavy?" I ask.
"From muscle, Jen." He says.
I am fairly muscular. I know that.
"Ready?" He moves in the middle.
We're half into the deep end because Ian is taller than Dylan.
"On your mark." Isaac says. "Get set. Go!"
I tighten my legs on Ian and he moves closer. Zoe goes to shove me, but I push her arms out of my way, and I push her, hard.
She starts to fall, but Dylan tightens his grip on her.
Ian laughs.
I stretch my arms, and as I stretch, she reaches out and shoves me.
I fall backwards, but I catch myself. Ian reaches up and grabs my hands, pulling me back up.
And then I shove Zoe, hard.
She falls back, crashing into the water.
Ian and I start cheering.
She comes up, flashing us the finger, letting out a string of swears.
"Let me go on Ian." she says.
Why do I want to tell her no?
I brush the feeling off and let myself fall off the back of him.
Everyone seems to be uncomfortable with the thought of switching places.
We do it anyways, and Dylan feels weird under my body.
We do another fight though, and I lose.
As I start to fall, everyone starts to say something. I feel Isaac push me while I'm falling.
My shoulder slams into something. I come up from under water, gripping my shoulder.
"Are you okay?" Ian asks. "You we're going right for your head on the edge. Are you alright?"
He checks my shoulder. "Is it sore inside?"
"I'll be fine." I say, stretching my arm.
He looks worried still.
"Really." I say. It's okay."

***

We played around in the pool for another three hours. When we got out, it was three in the morning.
We all put towels on and laid on pool chairs, just talking.
Ian is laying on his side and I'm laying on mine. We're facing each other, our pool chairs close enough for me to reach out and touch his face.
"Ian?" I whisper. He raises his eyebrows. "How did you stop yelling at everyone? Was that your security blanket to hold you together? Like how mine was my clothes?"
He takes a deep breath.
"Yeah." He says. "And..." he hesitates. "I saw what happened to you, and...I didn't want to be the cause for someone to hate their life. I started going to therapy more often. And talking more."
I study him.
"Zoe said I remind you of your Mom."
Silence.
I can tell he doesn't talk about her often.
He studies me for a long time.
"Your eyes." He says. "I haven't seen eyes so close to hers in a long time. Your blonde hair, and your strength."
I think, thoughtful.
Now that Zoe said he acts like my dad, I can see it.
My dad is tall, he's smart, but he sometimes gets mad easily. He's a very patient man.
"You remind me of my Dad." I say. "He's tall like you and smart. He's a very patient man, too. You were patient with me when I wouldn't get in the water. And sometimes he gets mad easily."
I'm starting to get tired, and everyone else has fallen asleep.
I blink a few times.
I still don't have a shirt on. I don't want to sleep exposed.
Still, I can't keep my eyes open. It snowing outside because it's January, but the heat in here is up high enough to keep me warm. I fight sleep as much as I can.
"You can sleep, Jenny." He whispers.
I mumble something in response, and then I fall asleep.