Jumbled Heartaches

Picnic

I'm sorry it's been so long! I graduated and my boyfriend was here and I've been really busy! Anyways, I love you guys and this book is ending soon and I'm making a sequel.

I was okay at school. I decided to be okay. I mean, why wouldn't I be okay? Zoe had been there for everything, and I have never felt more betrayed. She was the one that fought off the bullies, and now she's one of them.

So I was okay. I was normal, but I think Ian and Isaac saw right through it. I was smiling for the rest of lunch, for sixth period...

I have sixth and seventh with Ian, and he was watching me like a hawk. I was sitting in seventh and we were in creative writing and we were supposed to write about a time somebody we cared about deeply did something to upset us.

And I was sitting there, writing a bunch of bullshit about a fake friend, and the next thing I knew I was erasing the entire paper and restarting, writing a very detailed description about lunch, and as I was writing, I was realizing what had happened.

I lost my best friend. The one person I knew would always be there for me to confide in, the one person who stood up for me in any situation no matter what, was gone.

And that clicked for me, and I felt my eyes burning with tears, and Ian was sitting next to me watching, waiting for me to break.

I glanced at the clock through my blurry eyes.

Five more minutes.

So, I shoved my paper aside and put my head down.

And I had those silent tears gushing down my cheeks, heartbroken.

I could feel Ian's eyes burning into the side of my head.

When the bell rang, I abandoned my paper and left, digging for my car keys. A moment later, I heard Ian calling after me, but I kept walking, keeping my head down so nobody would see the red, swollen blotchiness that was my face.

I could tell Ian was right behind me, so I started running. I reached my car, blindly getting inside of it. I shoved the key in and cranked.

The engine sputtered. It wouldn't start. I kept trying, and Ian was standing next to me with the door open, I dropped my head onto the steering wheel and sobbed as he rubbed my back. I could hear Isaac whispering to him. Ian pulled me off the steering wheel and out of the car, into his arms instead. I could feel Isaac doing something to my car, and I heard the engine start, but I couldn't stop crying.

Ian and Isaac stayed there with me until I couldn't cry anymore, and Ian kissed my forehead and told me to text him when I get home.

                                             ***

And here I am, at home. My parents are working and I am alone.

I sit on the bed, staring at my wrist, and part of me wants to make a new scar, but the rest of me knows not to.

But it's all I can think about, and my body burns to cut.

Ian's voice sounds in my head.

"Let me know when you get home safe, Jenny."

Distraction. That's what I need.

I grab my phone off my side table and text Ian.

Me: I'm home

And then I get up and strip naked, and I get in the shower. It's hot, hot enough to make my skin itch, but not hot enough to burn me. I wash everything, shave everything, and get out, feeling fresher.

I put on sweatpants and a tank with a thong under it, and then I hesitate in the mirror.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just as normal as anyone else. You are beautiful. You are loved. You've done nothing wrong. You are allowed to have private moments in your life. You are allowed to be happy with people. You don't owe Zoe anything. You don't have to replay every second of your life with her when she didn't even tell you that she had a boyfriend. You are your own person. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone's.

I take a deep breath and change into jeans and a long sleeve black shirt with a pushup bra on and a black thong, and I grab my keys and put on my boots and throw my wet hair into a messy bun.

I check my phone.

Ian: that's great, are you doing okay?

Me: Yes, I'm leaving though

Ian: okay, be safe

Me: I will

I drive to my grandparents house and just go around back. They know if my car is here and I haven't come inside that I'm going to paint.

I trudge through the woods, and I'm worried because there's fresh prints.

Did somebody find my hiding spot?

I walk faster though the snow, rushing.

When I reach the clearing, the tracks lead right to my little painting hut.

I rush to the door and rip it open.

There's a blue, white, and black Mexican blanket on the floor, a picnic basket, and candles lit all around.

There's a bouquet of roses, and Ian is standing at the window, admiring my paintings.

I stand there frozen. He turns when he hears me come in.

Did he make this for somebody else? In my little hut?

I don't think so. He smiles, and he looks a bit nervous.

"Ian..." I hesitate.

"I know you don't like people coming here without asking you, but you were really upset and I knew you were coming here and I just...wanted to surprise you."

Wow. This is beautiful.

"You did this for me?" I whisper.

"Yes." He says nervously. He bites his lip and does this thing with his eyebrow that creases his forehead and it's adorable.

"I didn't have time to get nice food so I got subs and chips."

"How'd you know I would be here?" I whisper.

"I was hoping..." he trails off. "I can go, if you want."

Usually when I'm upset, I want to be alone.

But for some reason, the thought of him being here makes me feel better, so I shake my head.

"Stay. Please stay." I walk farther into the hut and shut the door.

He even lit the fireplace.

I sit down on the blanket with him, and he's watching me.

"I didn't know what you wanted so I just got everything on the side..." he bites his lip. I grab his hand, squeezing it.

"Thank you, Ian. Really."

"You're welcome, Jenny."

So we dig in, talking about anything, and we eat and then keep talking, and I keep finding myself scooting closer to him. We move to the couch and I rest my head on his shoulder, talking, laughing, and I'm happy, and its all okay.

"Jenny?" He asks in a bit of silence.

I shift to look at him. His eyes lock with mine and we're so close to each other.

"Yes?" I whisper.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" He whispers.

I study him, and then I smile.

"Okay."

"Okay?" He asks, grinning.

I nod.

"Okay." I'm smiling huge, so when he leans in to kiss me, he almost gets my teeth. I kiss him back though, but I have to pull away from how much I'm smiling.

I swear I've never been so happy.