Jumbled Heartaches

Goodbye

Days passed, and then weeks, and then a few months, and before I knew it, I was leaving in a week.

Now I leave tomorrow night.

I begged Mom to let Ian sleep over.

The weight on my body is heavy and painful.

I'm laying in the dark on his chest.

When I wake up in the morning, I have to go.

He hasn't brought it up in two weeks and I haven't either.

I feel water drip off my face, onto his chest.

He must feel it too. He starts running his fingers up and down my side.

"So..." he whispers. "When um..." he clears his throat. His voice is gruff, and he just sounds sad. "When you get there and get settled...will you let me know?"

I shift my head on his chest, nodding softly.

"I'll FaceTime you." I whisper.

"Okay." He whispers. "And also...when am I...single? When you drive off or after we hang up?"

I hesitate, staring at his bare stomach.

"After we hang up." I whisper.

"And we don't talk again after that?" He asks. "But we keep each other on social media, right?"

I nod.

He nods.

I stare at his chest for a long time.

"I love you." I whisper. "No matter what."

"I love you too. No matter what." He rolls on his side, facing me on the pillow. He kisses me softly.

I look at him, straight in the eyes.

"You're my first love. My first kiss..." I trail off. "I want you to be my first everything."

"What do you mean? I already am your first-" he cuts off.

He's my first everything, but not my first first.

The most important first.

"Okay." He whispers. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." I whisper.

<><>

So he took it. My very last first. He was gentle and full of love and care. He makes me the happiest person in the world.

I went to sleep, on his chest.

And when I open my eyes, it's to the sound of my alarm.

I feel a gentle soreness between my legs as I sit up and reach over him to shut it off.

I can already smell the eggs and bacon downstairs.

I'm nauseous. I want to throw up.

I leave his sleeping form in bed and take a shower.

When I get out, I dress in a white thong, a white matching pushup bra, a white t-shirt, and light blue jeans. I put on my maroon vans and brush through my hair. I brush my teeth and put my last minute things in my suitcase. Ian is awake and dressed when I come out, and he slips in after me without a word.

I sit on my bed and stare at my hands. After a few minutes, he comes out and walks over to me, wrapping his arms around me.

I hug him for a long time, and then I pull away.

I can't look him in the eye.

When I make my way into the kitchen, my grandparents are here, Aunt Amelia and Isaac, and obviously, my parents.

I say hi to them and we all eat breakfast.

I go back up to my room and leave them downstairs, and I make sure I'm not forgetting anything.

My things are already in the car.

I want to skip the goodbye and just take off.

I can't. I grab my last bag and go downstairs. I go put it in the car and go upstairs again.

This is it. I'm going.

I'm moving out, and probably not coming back to live here.

I'm excited, but I'm sad and scared.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look over my shoulder. My dad.

I give him a sad smile.

"Ready?" He asks. I laugh sadly.

"Nope."

"Nobody ever is." He says.

I take one last look at my bedroom and shut the door.

He follows me downstairs and outside. I'm clutching the keys to my Honda in my hand. It's packed full, and I start the engine, turning on the AC, and then I turn to everyone lining down the driveway.

I say goodbye to Aunt Amelia first.

"Take care of yourself, Jenny. Keep yourself focused on your goals in life. You'll go far, I know you will."

"I will." I smile. I hug Isaac.

"Good luck, Jen." He says.

I thank him and say goodbye to my grandparents and Uncle Arthur, and then my parents.

Finally, I reach Ian.

I stand two feet away from him, and then I finally step forward and hug him. I stand in his arms for almost five minutes, and I pull away, tears flowing freely down my face.

He has tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

"I'm proud of you." He whispers. "I am so proud of you. Take care of yourself. Don't do anything stupid. Keep painting, ignore what people say about you. They're just jealous because you're so perfect. Don't forget where you come from and who you are. Don't lose your sense of humor. Stay smart, put your best foot forward, swallow your pride, always, and don't let anyone push you around." He runs his fingers through my hair. "Whoever you marry..." he looks pained to bring it up, but I think he feels like he has to. "Make sure they treat you like their queen, Make sure you're happy, and you're where you want to be. If you fall for somebody else, even if you've been with who you're with for seven years, don't marry them. Be with who you want to be with. Be happy. Put yourself first. You are your priority. I love you so much, Jenny. So fucking much. Call me when you get there, okay?"

I nod, wiping my tears.

He takes my face in his hands and kisses me passionately, slowly, and then pulls away. "Take care of yourself, Jenny."

"I will." I whisper.

Mom is basically sobbing as she gives me another hug and hands me a fifty.

"Don't forget to get gas before you reach the interstate. Make sure to call. If you get tired, pull over and rest. Don't forget what your knees are for."

I nod.

"I love you guys." I say, standing at my car door.

Everyone says "I love you too." And then I get in my car and shut the door, rolling my window down.

"Drive safe." Ian calls. I just nod, put the car in reverse, and back out.

I wave one last time when I get in the street, and then I drive off, watching them wave in the rear view mirror.

It's over!!!! Sequel starts next