The Alpha's Little Nerd

Forty Five

~Devina's POV~

After those few words left Zane's mouth, I made sure to put extra distance between me and everyone else. How long had he felt that way? A strangled sob left my mouth as I fell to the floor of the shower. Was it all a lie? I couldn't force myself to believe anything. Were we ever even soulmates like he said? I shot up and stepped out of the still running shower, wrapping a warm towel around my wet body. I rummaged through my bathroom stuff until I found what I was looking for. It's funny how sometimes you know you might need something later so you make sure to keep it safe. I turned the little piece of metal around in my hand as a tear fell and landed on the razor. I moved my hair to one side of my shoulder and extended my left arm. I've never cut on my arms before. I brought the metal to my forearm and pressed down. Hard. Closing my eyes, I spent an hour painting my arms in red. After I felt satisfied enough, I hopped back into the shower and cleaned all the blood up.

"Why me God?" I whispered as I looked in the mirror, at every little flaw and scar and cut. At every imperfection, every misplaced freckle, everything. I could see why Zane doesn't want me anymore. I couldn't forgive him, or at least, tell him I forgive him. I don't compare to April or any other girl he's ever been with. I can't compare to anyone. I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. I'm never going to be the prettiest girl in someone's eyes, or their favorite person. I'll always be at the bottom. Where I belong. I wrapped a new towel-one that's not dyed red- around my body and went to my room.

The last thing I could think of before I slept was how I'm never going to be good enough.

"Are you excited baby?" Gwen squealed, looking up at the building. "You're going off to college!" I sucked in a deep breath and got or of the car.

"I guess," I mumbled grabbing a few boxes.

"I wish you would've chosen to live in the dorms." She frowned, once again looking up at the apartment building.

"There are too many college girls there. I need my own space." She grabbed a box too and followed me upstairs.

"Yeah. Away from your mother." I cracked a grin.

"Not away from you," I spoke and unlocked the door of my new apartment. "It's not that far away," I added opening the door and smiling. This is going to be good. The summer flew by so quickly with me working two jobs and trying to find a place to live. I haven't had much time for my friends or even Gwen. When I did have free time, I spent it in ways that I know I shouldn't. But sometimes habits are so consuming, that they swallow you while and make damn sure you never crawl back out. I set the box down on the kitchen counter and turned the lights on.

"This is nice!" Gwen voiced her approval as she looked around.

"One bedroom, one bath. Full kitchen. Walk-in closet. Washer and dryer." I grinned as I looked around. "Plus it has a balcony. It's perfect." She nodded and flipped down on the couch. "Hey hey hey! We haven't finished unpacking yet! Not sitting. Up!" She groaned and stood up, looking around once more.

"Well. That anonymous donation really helped you out, now didn't it?" My heart thumped a little faster at the mention of the donation. I can't be entirely certain on the "who" factor,  but I do know that it was a generosity from Zane or Forrest. I was hoping for the later. Zane followed up on his promise. I haven't seen him since that night, and I don't think I ever will. I don't know for sure, but I'd assume he'd be back in Washington leading his pack. At least that's what I hope. Sometimes when I feel like I'm being watched, I pray to go it isn't him. Maybe because then he'd know how bad I'm really doing. After a few hours, we had the boxes inside and some even unpacked-only what I needed.

"Okay, well I think I'm gonna start heading back," Gwen spoke and stood up. "I'll leave your car here and call an Uber. Are you going to be okay?" She pulled me into her arms and kissed my forehead.

"I always am."