The Alpha's Little Nerd

Forty Six

~Devina's POV~

A few months later, I was fully settled in. It was almost October now and all though the weather wasn't changing too much, my hope was. Obviously, college is hard, but it's even harder not living with Gwen or being around my friends very often. I miss Zane too, as much as I hate to admit it, I miss his stupid self. I smiled at the thought of his boyish smile and green eyes. I sighed and cleaned up my freshly slashed arm. Things have only been getting worse. I only eat when my stomach growls so loudly, it attracts attention, I've fallen down into a deep dark hole and the only light I see is a tiny candle millions of miles above me. It's not promising either. It's almost as if it's raining above and the candle can extinguish any second now.

Once I finished cleaning my arm, there was a knock on my door. I looked down at my bare arm and sighed, not really caring who sees it anymore. I hurried to the door, reaching it just as the person began another short knock and pulled it open.

"Yeah?" My eyes widened as I realized who it was.

"Sunshine." He smiled, but that smile was soon washed away as he raked over my appearance. He shoved the door open, making me move back and allowing him to come into my apartment.

"What are you doing here? You said you'd leave and I wouldn't have to see you again." He slammed the door behind him and grabbed my arm.

"What the hell is this Devina? Why are you doing this!? I felt the pain too, you know? I thought it would stop but it only got worse. I told you not to do that!" I yanked my arm out of his grasp and stepped back.

"You told me a lot of things, Zane. Like how you don't want me anymore. So just leave. I'm tired of being played like this."

"How much do you even weigh now? Huh? I know you haven't been eating either. It's not healthy!"

"Get out!" I screamed. "Get out of my house! Get out of my life! You don't want to be here so just leave me the hell alone!"

"No, I didn't mean that. I lied to you, Devina. I thought you'd move on and carry on with your life. I thought you'd do better without me." He didn't have to say "but" because the way his eyes roamed over my exhausted body told me everything I needed to know. I wasn't better without him and we both know it. "I should have come back as soon as I knew things were getting bad for you. I should have come back after you tried to-" He swallowed and looked away.

"You know about that?" I whispered.

"I felt it. I felt everything." I turned around, not wanting him to see me cry. "I'm sorry Devina. I know I let you down. But the thought of losing you-" I spun around and cut him off.

"No. You already lost me. You lost me when you finally told me the truth." Regret flashed in his eyes.

"No! No. That wasn't the truth! I want you. I wanted you. I always will. I was lying so it would be easier for you!"

"Does it look like you made it easier on me?" I asked, tilting my head to the side. His eyes analyzed my body again, and once they couldn't take anymore, he closed them.

"You did that because of me?" He whispered, opening his wild green eyes. "This is all my fault. You tried to kill yourself because of me!?" He pulled at his brown hair, tears streaming down both of our faces.

"The night you left I was trying to tell you that I forgive you. For everything that happened with April. But you didn't even try to listen to me. You just packed up and left. You were so willing to just throw everything away. You threw me away." And maybe that's all I am. Disposable. A plastic bag that's useful once or twice, but once you come home from the store, you don't know what to do with it. It becomes a burden until you end up throwing it away.

"No. Devina don't think like that. I made a mistake. I fucked up."

"Yeah, you seem to do that a lot, Zane." I walked over to the door and opened it. "Just go." I sighed, not daring to look him in the eyes. I heard his footsteps get louder until he finally reached me. He closed the door and walked over to the couch, plopping down and putting his feet up.

"Should I sleep here or in the bedroom with you?" He asked, making my blood boil.

"On the street. Now leave." I pointed to the door again but sighed when Zane made not even a single movement. "Fine. Just stay away from me." I huffed out, walking back to my bedroom.

"Goodnight Sunshine." I heard Zane call out before I shut my door, hopefully blocking him out.

When I woke up the next morning I actually smiled. A warm arm was draped over my bare stomach. Rolling over, I laid my head against the chest and sighed. My eyes finally snapped open once I heard a chuckle. Shooting up, I turned around only to find Zane in my bed.

"What the hell Zane!?" I screamed, pulling the blanket off of him and wrapped it around myself. "Why are you in here?" He ignored this question and got up.

"I'll turn the heat up. It's cold in here." He walked out of the room, leaving me to remember all the memories that we share. "Are you feeling okay? Want me to make pancakes?" I almost smiled at this, but then caught myself.

"No. I don't want your stupid pancakes. Just tell me why you're still here?" He frowned.

"When you woke up you were smiling. You were happy I was here. You were happy I was so close to you again." He spoke, taking a step forward. I rolled my eyes and took the blanket off of my shoulders, revealing my bare arms. Zane sucked in a harsh breath as he looked at them.

"Stop looking at them, Zane," I said, clearly annoyed. He walked forward again and gently grabbed my arm.

"Come on let's get all this cleaned up." He pulled me off of the bed and led me to the bathroom. "How long has this been going on?" He asked, guiding me to sit on the toilet seat. I looked away, not wanting him to know it started right after he left that last time. By the time I looked up into his eyes, I could easily tell he already knew that. Regret was practically pooling out of them. "I'm so sorry."

"What do you want me to say? I accept your apology? That it's fine? That it's all good, let's just move on!? What do you want to hear?" He cleaned up the wounds silently until finally responding.

"No. None of that. I just want to hear you say that you still have feelings for me. Nothing more." I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, pulling my arm back.

"We're still mates Zane! I can't change how I feel about you. Believe me, I've tried. I've tried everything. That stupid freaking mate pull is still here. Don't worry. You haven't lost your leverage on me." I got up off of the toilet seat and opened the bathroom but Zane stopped me.

"I'm not using you, Devina!" He paused and frowned. "You know what? I am. I'm using you for myself. I'm using you to make myself happier. I'm so selfish. I would rather you be with me than anyone else. I'd rather you be happy with me instead of with others. I know you are hurting but I also know that you are better with me. You are happier with me. I tried to tell myself that I was holding you back and that you were in more pain with me than without me. I was wrong. I was so damn wrong and I'm sorry." I sucked in another deep breath, trying to fill my life with enough air to last me a lifetime.

"I-I'm going for a drive," I mumbled and grabbed my car keys.

"Let me come with you." He followed me out of the bathroom and into the foyer.

"No. I need to be by myself." He looked down at his feet and nodded.

"Then take my car." He reached inside of his pocket and pulled out his keys, tossing them to me. I caught them in the air and smiled. "It's the GTR." He softly smiled. I nodded and walked out of the door. "You'll be back, right?" He stopped me again and asked. I nodded and quickly left. There was no doubting that I love Zane, because I do. But there is doubting my trust in him. My trust is like cotton candy. It disappears too quickly to savor the taste.