❝ everything is perfect, baby ❞
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affairs, lust and a four year old child never go well together, and when david walliams' skit of being in love with simon cowell unexpectedly snowballs into more, he learns that it's impossible to have perfection la...
Group Chat: Alesha, Amanda, Si > Anyone up for dinner tonight after show? I typed. Alesha: Yeee! Amanda: Of course darling! :) Si: Sounds good, David. My muscles tingled at the sight of Simon's message.
Later that day, I was sat at the judging desk when Amanda smirked at me. I replied with a questioning raise of an eyebrow.
"Hello Blackpool!" Ant yelled, running onto the stage with his smaller Geordie pal steps behind him. "We'd like to welcome to you, tonight, the semi finalists of show two!" Dec spoke loudly into the microphone, whilst the deafening screams over threw his voice.
The group of acts ran onto the stage, waved, before going back stage and Ant said, "Would any of you like to introduce the next act?"
Amanda raised her hand. "I always believe that this show is meant to change lives. So today, here's one life I'll be changing for the definite. David, swap seats with me!" She yelled, causing me to jump in the air with joy and sit next to him.
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I wrapped my arms round him, hugging him camp-ly. Several audience members screamed "Damon!" loudly.
I jokingly gazed into his eyes, resting my head on the palm of my hand, as Ant spoke. "You know I can't concentrate with him looking at me like that?" Simon asked the two hosting boys. They laughed and someone in the audience screamed Damon really loudly.
"Yes, Damon!" I just screamed into the microphone, causing the other judges to cup their eardrums.
Alesha and Amanda shrieked with laughter as Simon shook his head, amused. Yet I could see, although we was smiling, laughing, joking - his eyes were dull and emotionless. He was hurt.
• SIMON •
Next, Anna Kemp was on. The last act of the night. I heard the song she was singing, and immediately tensed. She'd left me. And it was all my fault. I couldn't even bring myself to say why she left me.
I have died everyday, waiting for you Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more....
I slowly felt tears spring into my eyes. I doodled small cartoons on the paper in front of me, in order to distract myself from the song. Mine and Lauren's song. A small man in a suit, tie and parted hair was drawn in the small sketch, he had hearts for eyes and a smirk on his face.
The drawing was ruined by a tear that had dripped from my eye.
David leaned in close to me, so only I could hear, placed his hand on my knee and asked, "Are you okay?"
I got up, walked past the judges, past the live cameras, past the audience and out of the auditorium. I went into the toilet, locked the door, slid down the wall and grabbed my phone from my suit pocket, and checked twitter. There were thumping pounds on the toilet door from Amanda and Alesha. I ignored them.
Ten minutes later, although locked, the door opened. David stood with a shy, sheepish grin and a key in his hand. He locked it behind him and slid down the wall next to me. He didn't say anything. He just rested his head on my shoulder and sighed.
••
"Can we have the bill please." I requested the waiter. We'd had the most amazing meal, and for once I'd enjoyed David's company in a different way. My eyes were still red, a little puffy. You couldn't tell I'd been crying, unless you'd seen me in the studio earlier. Amanda and Alesha hadn't questioned me on my antics from earlier, and I just got little smiles from David every now and then.
As we walked out, Amanda and Alesha got in a cab together, seeing as they lived near each other, leaving just David and I. "Simon?" He asked. I turned to face him. "Can I hang at yours for a bit? It's just my mums got Bert for the week and I... I don't really like being home alone." I smiled. "Sure."
He sat in my car, fiddling with the radio station for the whole journey towards my house. As we sat down on the house, I turned the TV on to see that Friends was playing.
"About earlier..." I mumbled, "Sorry I got upset. It's just-" "You don't have to explain." He replied softly. He did his casual smile, his white shirt fitting him perfectly. We sat closely next to each other for the next hour, chuckling every now and then, making comments about the show.
All of a sudden, David leaned in and kissed me.
He kissed me.
I pushed him away, standing up from the couch and backing against the wall. "What the hell d'you think you're doing?" I exclaimed at him.
He flinched.
"What? So you think because I broke up with my girlfriend, I'm suddenly gay? Is that what you think David?"
He turned bright red.
"No, we're not all gay like you David. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not the one drooling over topless auditionees, I'm not the one who's camp and I'm not the one who's in love with his boss."
He flinched.
"Just- David, just get out of my house."
His eyes dropped to the ground, solemnly, and he quickly walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
