Dancing On The Edge Of A Knife

27. Insight

"You don't have to tell me, if you really don't want to. I'm just curious." He quickly added when his question met silence.

But Ester was thinking about how to sum it up the fastest and without shedding tears. Then she sighed and looked at Devon for a few seconds, thinking about the question she asked him before.
"If I tell you that, will there be a chance for me to hear the story about your different type of scared?"

Devon clenched his jaw at that. He knew she wouldn't let that one slip. He shouldn't have said anything. But he didn't think she'd care enough to ask about it.
"Ester, I don't know." He finally said before making the u-turn.

"It's okay. I won't force you." She said before taking a deep breath.
"Well, in my case." She started as she looked down at her fingers that were fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. She let out a deep breath and looked at the road in front of them.

"My dad died on a plane on his way to Russia. And the witnesses said they saw the plane's nose head towards the ground with such a speed they couldn't even see the shape of a plane anymore." She felt her eyes sting with tears after remembering the hectic phone calls they showed on the news.

"It's just horrible. I was like ten when I found the old news on the internet and tried to understand how my father felt that moment. How it would feel to be on that plane. That's when I developed that fear, I guess." She shrugged and gulped her choking voice down.

"Fuck." Devon whispered, looking at Ester for quite some time before realizing he had to drive and looked back at the road in front of him.
"I'm so sorry, Ester." He continued.

"It's fine. I just- I don't know. It's fine Devon, really." She shook her head.
"No, I had no idea. If I knew-"
"You would've never sped with me in the car. No one's that cruel. I know." Ester tried to smile at him but a tear escaped her eyes. She quickly wiped it away.

"God, I'm an ignorant idiot." He said upon seeing her watery eyes. Ester let out a breath.
"You used to be. Towards me anyways." She told him, which made Devon sigh again. He could hit himself right now. But even a good punch in the guts would probably not even make him feel better.

"You can kick me in the shin if you want to." He said seriously.
"Oh, now you're being ridiculous." Ester laughed as she shook her head. At least, he made her laugh, but Devon was still upset.

"Oh, don't look so grim. You didn't know. I'm fine." Ester told him honestly. She was surprised that he took it that way. She wouldn't have expected him to not care, of course. But he seemed to really regret what he did.

"I won't do it ever again, trust me." He eventually said once they stopped in front of her building. Ester stared at him, many questions on her tongue but she couldn't bring herself to ask him. She was overthinking again. Everybody would feel bad in his position. He had every right. So she just smiled.

"Thanks for the ride, Devon. And don't get too worked up about it." She turned to undo her seat belt, but a hand shot up to stop her. Ester looked back at Devon who opened his mouth to say something, but closed it soon after. She was about to say some more assuring words, but he already started talking.

"About the scared thing." He started before looking down.
"You don't have to-" Ester interrupted, not wanting him to feel forced to say it only because she almost cried. But Devon shook his head.

"I never told anybody except mom and Sierra. And I want you to understand if that's what you want." He told her and Ester nodded before patiently waiting for him to continue. And with another deep breath, he did.

"Four years ago, I lost my license. And people in our society turned their back towards me because of the reason I lost it. And I can't really blame them. Just know that they don't like me and I don't like them either. I'm a monster to them and I couldn't care less, really. I just don't want them to ruin my mother's wedding." He finally said, making Ester nod slowly, before she realized something.