Moving On (A Sidemen Fanfiction)

XV

       While Mackenzie slept beside me my thoughts were racing. I thought about the kiss, how it made my affection towards her double. It occurred to me that during the kiss I hadn't once thought about the girl that once kissed me like that. I hadn't once wished that she was here in replace of Mackenzie. And that made me smile. I was incredibly proud of myself to be able to say that when just a few months ago I was crying myself to sleep. I was proud to say I was moving on. And I was even more proud to say that Mackenzie was helping me do that. I felt the need to tell someone. I pulled out my phone to see it was coming up to midnight. I doubted that any of my friends would be awake, but I had to at least try. I clicked on Josh's contact first, since he was the one who usually listened to my nonsense thoughts.

Simon:
Joshua

     The message was read almost automatically, which told me he was probably laying in bed next to Freya as he scrolled through something. As we did a lot. We lived behind screens almost all of the time.

Josh:
Simon

Simon:
Mackenzie and I kissed

        The three little dots appeared and then disappeared again at least three times. And I imagined Josh sitting there, his lip in between his teeth as he thought of the right thing to say - the thing that wouldn't hurt me. He thought I was fragile. All the guys did.

Josh:
Well that's good, right? You like her, right?

Simon:
Of course I do

        The dots were playing peekaboo now, disappearing and reappearing almost ten times before he replied. I wondered what was going through his head - Good. You need to move on., or maybe Be careful, Simon., or even I don't want you to get hurt so I'm going to tell you to push her away too, just like you did us. But nothing like that came through. Instead it was a question.

Josh:
Do you trust her?

        I didn't know what to say. Because I wanted to trust her so fucking bad that I had somehow tricked myself into doing so.

Simon:
She hasn't given me a reason not to

Josh:
I trust her.

       He was so sure of his statement, I know he was. In his mind she wasn't going anywhere ever. But I knew that it wasn't that easy. I learned it the hard way. And that made that small lump in my throat grow. The first time that night I started to question her loyalty. Just because my mind didn't know when to stop.

Simon:
Even if she did leave I'd be okay. She's taught me things

       I didn't exactly know how to even begin to explain the impact Mackenzie's had on me. But I knew Josh would want me to at least try.

Josh:
Elaborate mate

Simon:
In the short time I've known her I've been smiling so much more. She's taught me to appreciate the little things and smile more. It really helps ya know

Josh:
And if she were to leave you'd be able to continue to do that?

Simon:
I believe so

       And that was the truth. If there was anything else she had taught me it was to believe in myself. She had taught me that by telling me about the many many modeling jobs that failed before she was successful. And she taught me to appreciate the little things by smiling at the ceiling as we laid on the floor with the music blasting. And she taught me to smile more by, well, smiling all the damn time. Like nothing could ever falter that smile. Like, no matter what, if you smiled you'd be okay.

Josh:
Well then I do too. Now get some rest. You've got a long drive tomorrow.

Simon:
Alright dad

        With that I locked my phone, still staring at the black screen as I listened to Mackenzie's small breaths beside me. I put my phone on the bedside table and closed my eyes finally, my thoughts peaceful now that I shared them with someone.

•••

     After our short goodbyes to my family, Mackenzie and I were on our way back to London. It wasn't as awkward as I first imagined it would be after the kiss. We carried on like nothing happened. But a part of me didn't want to - a big part of me. I wanted to carry on with something more than what we had before the kiss. The fear had settled in again and I couldn't bring myself to ask her about it. So I decided to ask her about the photoshoot we were supposed to go to later today. "Are you nervous for the photoshoot?" I asked as I nudged my glasses further up my nose. "Not really." I saw her shrug out of the corner of my eye. She had explained earlier that the whole advert itself was about New Year Resolutions and, as many resolutions ended up being, Mackenzie would  just have to wear some workout clothes and pretend to be working hard. She had also said that if they really wanted to see her working her arse off then they should go to the gym with her before the shoot and photograph her there. But they wouldn't. Because the modeling industry was all bullshit. They ignore raw, pure beauty and instead promote society's idea of beauty. Her words, not mine. But I thought pure beauty was all that Mackenzie was made of. She had told me once that she was always so thin growing up, unable to gain weight no matter what she did or how much she ate. She said she was teased because of it, too - people calling her anorexic and a skeleton. When she became an adult she worked out to be healthy, not to gain muscle mass. She ate as she pleased and didn't try to fill herself with unhealthy foods in attempt to gain something. She told me that her mum had told her she was built to be a model because of her natural small frame, which was one of the main reasons she pursued the career and stuck with it to this day. She said she liked her job but she didn't like people's views who were in charge of the entire industry. "Are you?" She brought me out of my thoughts and I glanced over at her before tightening my grip on the steering wheel. "Am I what?" She laughed lightly at my cluelessness. "Nervous." I shrugged. "I'm always nervous." I answered truthfully. I was an awkward mess when it came to social events. "You don't have to come, ya know." She said. I shook my head at the thought of not being there to support her. "I want to." I smiled. "Yeah?" She asked, almost for reassurance that I wasn't lying. That I meant it. "Yeah."