The Anatomy of a Parody Heart

promise

The school library was his only chance.

His only chance to find Gem, to find Pine Hill. To find his father.

He receives a letter of complaint the next morning. A letter banning him from the school library - him and Sonja - until the beginning of next term. Next term - next year.

Enzo is not sure what he would have done even if he had found his father. But he knows that it would have been something reckless. Something stupid.

He tells himself that he is better off not knowing where his father lives.

He doesn't feel better off.

He feels...angry?

Enzo blames his father for how he turned out. He blames his genes. He also blames his father for not having had him killed the second he was born. His mum would never have done it.

But his father would.

It is not that Enzo wants to die. Of course he doesn't.

But he doesn't exactly want to live, either.

Because of him, his mum has to pay for expensive appointments at the local hospital every month.

Because of him, his father cut himself off from everyone he loved and moved to a different county.

Because of him, Gem is getting bullied, the twins are having nightmares, and Robyn is going to have to go to some crap college that Mum will have to pay out of her pocket to afford.

Enzo doesn't understand why he is still alive. Why he is still alive when they could so easily have just killed him at birth.

It would be so much easier if they had killed him.

Maybe they still will.

Mum and Gem and Robyn and the twins would be upset for a while, but when they realised that he didn't mind dying - couldn't mind dying - they would get better.

They would be alright.

Enzo wonders whether it is then - right then - that he decides to go find his father - or whether he was always going to do it, whether it was always in the back of his mind, somewhere, somewhere hidden - a subconscious thought.

Enzo is going to find his father. And properly find him - not just by typing his sister's uni into google search and sifting through the twenty-odd Pine Hills in Britain.

Properly find him. Find his town, his road, his house - and visit him.

Maybe Enzo will beat him up. Maybe Enzo will kill him.

Something.

Anything.

I want to help you, Mum. I want to help you. So much.

And I will.

There is just one more thing that I have to do.

One more thing, and then I'll be out of your life.

You'll never have to worry about money again. You'll never have to pay my school fees, or my appointments, or stress about Robyn getting into college and Gem getting bullied and the twins having nightmares.

I'll be out of your life forever.

I promise.