My Fucking Mixed Up Love Triangle

Emotionless

Life is all about adapting. Going to a new places is like going to a new world. Everything is foreign and diverse. And Im going to have to adapt to life without Ethan. Or was I. I saw something, something I had never witnessed before.....fear and worry. But the question that keeps running through my mind was is he scared of losing me or worried that im going to find out the truth. 

I woke up that morning and was the saddest i'd been all week. Something inside me was telling me to give up, that I didnt deserve to be happy. Stephen Chbosky said that we except the love we think we deserve but I dont think I deserve love at all. All I've been asking myself lately is what is love. Why do we fall in it just to get our hearts broken but being heartbroken was a feeling of complete lose That apart of you had been snatched away and was never coming back. So If being heartbroken is a feeling caused by your emotions . So how do you cut your emotions off? How do you not feel hurt or saddness? I have no idea how but I was done fawning and crying over Ethan. I was done feeling emotion and I'd made the decision to cut them off.

I woke up and got in the shower. While I was in the shower I washed my body and shaved my legs then got out. I walked over to my closet and put on a white crop top that stopped at my bellybutton and a pair of light pink chiffon wide leg pants, my white chanel lambskin sandals , and my white mini chanel messenger bag. After getting dressed I put on some nude pink lipstick and began to straighten my hair. After straightening my hair I went over to my jelewry box and put on my diamond earings then got my bookbag and purse and left my room. I went downstair and got in the car. The car ride was silent until we pulled up to the school building. "I understand that your mad at me but I love you Kayla and im just looking out for you. I know how it was for you growing up and I saw how happy Ethan made you and I really think he didnt do it" Nathan said. "I dont care anymore" I said then got out the car. I got my stuff and  was about to close the door when I heard Nathan say "Dont shut down again Kayla because when you decide you wanna come back to reality everything's gonna come back to fast and your gonna loose it" Nathan said. "I can handle myself. I've been doing it for years" I said then closed the door.

I walked over to the big oak tree and pulled out my journal and began to write.

Dear diary,

    I've decided that this year is'nt going to be kick ass that it's gonna be a year of me pretending that im happy here and that everythings ok. Im gonna walk around school like everythings fine and act like everytime I see him it isnt hurting me. I'll focus on getting good grade and making it through the year trying to keep myself preoccupied so I dont think about him. That's exactly what I"ll do. I"ll forget. 

                                                                                                            -Kayla

As soon as I closed my journal the bell rang. I got up and began to walk towards my locker. I got to my locker and put my combination in and began to put my stuff away. I got my binder and music folder and made my way to first period. I went into the classroom and took a seat in the back. Ms.Johnson wasn't here so we had a substitute who allowed us to talk. I got out of my chorus chair and walked over to the sub."May I go to the bathroom please" I asked. "Yes go ahead" The substitute said. I grabbed my books and walked out the chorus classroom and began to wander the school building. I looked into one of the classrooms to see that It was time for lunch. I walked into the lunchroom and got a bag of french fries and a bottle of water and sat at a table by myself. "So you weren't gonna speak to me today "Matthew said while sitting infront of me. "Nope" I said popping the P and getting up. "Wait I wanna give you something" Matthew said handing me a folded peice of paper. "It reminded me of you" Matthew said then walked away.