30 Days In Rehab

Day 9: Tuesday

I crack my left eye open and see milky iris' staring at me, the face 3 inches away from my face. "Remember me?" She croaks. Her red lipstick is smudged, her red dress ripped, her once tan skin is gray and missing in some places. "Remember me? Do you?" she asks, creeping closer to me. As she gets closer, I edge backwards until she lunges at me and I fall off my bed completely. My head snags the side of my nightstand as I fall but that doesn't stop me from moving.

My back hits the wall and I press closer into it, my hand holding the place where I hit my head. The woman slowly crawls across my bed before stopping and smiling at me, her teeth brown and rotten. "I see you remember me..." her voice is gravely and harsh when entering my ears. "Do you even know my name? I don't think you know my name. Hmm, what a shame. You killed a woman whose name you did not even know. That says a lot about you." She says.

"You're not real." I grit out, pain flooding my head. She tosses her head, attempting to laugh but nothing comes out. "Am I real? Am I? I don't know, do you know? No, you don't know. Is it your fault that your boyfriend was sent to jail? you know that answer... you know that one."

I take a deep breath, trying to remain calm, "It was not my fault." "He went to jail for murder and my death was one of them. He wasn't the one that kicked my head and then slammed it into a glass table, now was he?"

I sneer at her before lifting my foot and slamming it onto her nose. Next, her forehead. Next, the back of her head. Anywhere that's available gets kicked and stomped, mercilessly. I fall to my knees and grab her hair and lift her head, slamming it onto the glass table. I slam it time after time until I hear two cracks, the table and her skull.

"You ran away and your little boyfriend took the fall. Even when he was offered a deal he didn't rat you out. And that's how you treat him? You get him locked up again?" My head hangs as guilt floods my heart. "If you were my girlfriend, I would kill myself too. How could he ever be with such an ungrateful bit--" She stops talking and I look up to see if she's gone but instead I find a friendlier pair of milky eyes in front of me. Tears well in my eyes as I stare at him, the feeling of longing fighting with my guilt until they are both equally in my heart.

"I didn't know you would get in trouble Daniel- Daniel, I promise you, I did not know, I wouldn't have left if I knew." I whisper, tears gliding into my mouth as I speak. He nods his head, a smile on his face.

I would give anything right now to just be back in his arms, to hear his voice, to simply be able to hold his hand.

"Daniel, I miss you so much. I miss you so, so, so much, you have no idea. I need you, I-- Daniel, no don't leave!" Daniels smiling figure begins to disappear in front of me and I scramble, reaching for his for his hands but always touching the floor. "Daniel, no, don't leave me, no, no, no, no, please!" I beg. He's fading more quickly now and I'm becoming more frantic, my voice becoming louder, "Daniel! Don't leave me! I'm sorry!" I shout, his body disappearing completely. "Daniel!" I scream.

"Stephanie!" Dawsons voice fills the room as I close my eyes, lowering my head. I hold my head as I rock back and forth, "Daniel, I'm sorry." I chant. Warm hands grab my arms and try to lower my hands but I shake them away. "Leave me alone." I snap, "Daniel, I'm sorry."

"Stephanie, why are you apologizing?"

"Leave me alone."

"Stephanie, why--"

"Leave me alone!"

•••

I've found the roof of the center. It took a while but I found it. It's been days since I've been outside, felt wind, heard the birds. I wish that I could feel the sun but its cloudy and windy today. The clouds are dark as if it's about to rain. I sit on the edge of the building, my legs hanging over, my eyes in the sky.

No, I am not feeling suicidal. I just need to feel what's real right now. This cold cement that I am sitting on that lines the building? This is real. The wind flowing through my hair, that is real. The ground that's hundreds of feet beneath my hanging legs, that is real. The feeling of guilt and regret in my stomach... I wish those two weren't real.

After we made love, Daniel told me about how he was offered multiple deals to give up information on me and Andrew. He said that they were willing to drop all charges against him at one point if he just said who killed who. They were desperate to find the real killers because they knew it wasn't him. He told them fuck their deals and that he'll see them in court. With the help of his lawyer, he got off easy; 2 years in maximum security.

It was one of those, 'you're going to get it easy but it will be hard' situations.

They put him with people that was much worse than him and he changed. "Stephanie?" A voice calls against the roaring wind. I sigh, wiping my hair out of my face, "go away Telara, I want to be alone."

"Well I want Kim Kardashian to admit that her butt is fake but guess what? We don't always get what we want, now do we?" She asks, her tone light. "Now you're no regular, shmegular bitch but why you aren't an air bender. So, can you explain to me why you are sitting on the very fucking edge on this windy day?" She sits down beside me, not daring to put her legs over the side. "I just want to feel what's real." I mutter.

"Well I can assure you that drop is very much real. Come on, get off the edge."

"It's my fault."

"What is your fault?"

"Daniel going to jail."

"No, nuh uh, we-- you already established that with Darren that you can't blame yourself for that."

"No, he said I can't blame myself for making him insecure, not to him going to jail."

"No, I'm sure that he said that somewhere in those sessions, you're probably choosing to ignore the memory." She denies. I side eye her and she sighs in defeat, "maybe he didn't, but the concept still stands."

"No, not for this, Tee. I've done something horrible-- I did something horrible two years ago. And when I finished doing it, I just walked away like it never happened. I practically forgot about it. But then Daniel took the fall for it."

Tee jerks away from me, standing up, her hands over her mouth. She always was quick to figure stuff out. "Stephanie... Tell me you didn't."

"You know I did."

"But tell me you didn't!"

Horror covers her face now as she realizes that her best friend is a murderer. She shakes her head and turns her back to me. I bring my legs around, no long hanging off the edge and look to the ground, "We were at the ball, the deal went south and long story short, she tried to kill us. I got my hands on her, we fought, and I got the upper hand. I just took her head and slammed it... And slammed it... And slammed it... Until I heard two cracks: her skull and the glass table." I admit, disgust welling in my chest. "I didn't know her name, if she had a family, I just killed her." I look up to find Tee looking at me with sad eyes, her arms wrapped around herself. "It was self-defense." She says.

"It was murder." I counter.

"Stephanie, what you just told me was self-defense." She walks over to me and squats in front of me. "She tried to kill you so you defended yourself. Sadly, she died, but it was self-defense nonetheless."

"I can careless about whether it was self-defense... I am the reason that Daniel went to jail!"

"No, no, no, no! You cannot take full blame for that!" She grabs my hands in a tight grip. "You are at blame, but it was his decision to take the fall, okay?" She swallows, a small tear falling from her eye, "you may have killed that girl but it was his choice to take the fall. And listen, I know the guilt may be building and I know you might want to talk about it, but do not tell Darren anything. Because he is obligated to report things like this, okay? If you want to talk about it, call me and I will be there for you, but I be damned if I let you go to jail." After a second, I nod my head which causes her to sigh.

"Come on, we're going back to your room, I think you need a little break today.