30 Days In Rehab

Day 19: Friday

Dedicated to @GayAssKens and    Mara0526  fo

I really appreciated yalls comments. You guys comments motivated me to finish writing this.

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I hold the phone in my hand, starring at it. I lay the phone in my lap before placing my head in my hands. "She's not going to answer the phone... But I have to try." I pick the phone up again and dial the number--her number. It rings one time before I end the call. I sigh and rub my forehead before dialing the number again. It rings three times before going straight to voicemail. "Hey, this is Telara, I'm busy at the moment so please leave your name and number and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Peace and blessings!" The phone beeps and I clear my throat, "Um, hey Tee... Its, um, its Stephanie. I... just wanted to apologize for everything I said." My nose stings and my eyes begin to water.

"I love you Tee... you know that right?" I wipe away a tear, "I do love you... You're the only real friend that I have, shit, the only friend I have, and I owe you so much for sticking by me. I... I have a new doctor. He's allowing me to take trips outside. He's the nicest asshole I've ever met. He doesn't make me talk--" "Voicemail is full. If you would like to leave your message, hang up--" "Shit!" I scream, throwing the phone onto my bed.

"Don't stop talking now," A familiar voice begins, "I was listening." Tee rounds my doorway, her usually straight hair, curly, sitting on her shoulders. "Wh-what are you doing here?" I ask, wiping away my tears. She shrugs, "I was making the monthly payment and the nurse said that you might be sleep because of your pain medicine. By the way, how the fuck did you break your foot?" I smirk, tears filling my eyes again, "I was at my lowest."

She leans against the doorway, "And where are you now?" I shrug, "I'm one inch off the ground now." Her bottom lip trembles, just a little, "that's enough for me." She walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. "I'm sorry for walking out on you Steph--"

"No." I say sharply, "I deserved it. I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you the way that you deserve. I'm sorry that Andrew got locked up, basically because of me. I'm sorry that I didn't share the excitement of you giving me a nice or nephew. I should have had your back like you've had mine. I should have been there for you, but I was allowing myself to sink into despair, not even noticing that you were starting to sink to. I don't deserve a friend like you Tee but I'm happy I have you."

"I'm happy to be your friend. Even though I walked out, I would have been back, believe me. We're sisters, we're going to fight and cuss, but we will always be back right by each other's side. Because blood couldn't make us any closer." She leans back and looks me in my eyes, her eyes filling to the brim with tears. "I love you... and if I got to put myself on the back burner for you, I will because I know that when you're healed, you would do the same for me." A sob rakes through my body as I pull her close, shoving my face into her hair, crying like a baby. Two hard knocks land on my door and I open my eyes to find Dr. Willaby staring at us, his eyes squinted as he smiles at the scene. "I assume this is the good friend that you believed you lost?"

I nod, pulling myself away from Tee, sniffling. She turns around, wiping her eye on her sleeves before plastering on a gentle smile, she stretches her hand out, "Hi, I'm Telara."

"Dr. Willaby."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. Since I am the only person funding her stay here, I would like to know what the new treatment plans for her is, if you don't mind." Willaby nods in understanding, "I do not mind at all. It is no longer a treatment plan but a self-healing plan. My way of healing is to focus on the good things in life after the bad is dealt with. And after talking it over with myself, because I know not one person who can match my genius, I believe it is time for her to move away from Daniel." His eyes find mine and I tilt my head slightly, "Why?" I ask, slightly hoarse. He leans against the doorway and shrugs, "You've been talking about him for 19 days... it is time to move past him." I open my mouth, but he raises his hand, silencing me, "You have 11 days left until you go before the board of doctors that they have here to show your healing. Which means the healing has to begin now."

"So, you want her to forget about Daniel--"

"No. I want her to remember herself. I want her to remember her true self. The person she was before the abuse, heart breaks, and heart aches. It is time she experiences life without love from a man and dwell in that happiness. The happiness that can be found when you're romantically alone." Tee nods, "I agree." "I'm glad that you do and I'm also glad that you're here because I want you to be a part of this process completely. You bring her happiness, so your presence is of great importance."

Tee nods again, "Of course, I will be here every day that I'm needed, "she turns to me, "til the very end." She promises. I smile at her, a stray tear falling as I grab her hand. "Good. But not today. Today we will leave her." I look back to Willaby in confusion, "Why?"

"There is a few more demons you need to fight on your own."

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Closure. I'm going to get my closure, today. I hang my head and sigh, "I know you're there. Even though you're not really there."

"Oh, I'm really here Steph. And I'm here to stay. Forever." He promises.

I shake my head, "I am sorry Daniel." I begin, looking up and watching as his ghostly face turns into confusion. "I'm sorry for the way I made you feel."

"You mean before I let them niggas kill me."

I inhale, "There is nothing that you can say that will stop me from giving myself this closure."

"Are you sure? Are you sure I can't pull the dead baby string?"

"You can try if you want but," I pause, inhaling and exhaling before smiling, "I've realized that I can no longer focus on things I can no longer control. I couldn't control the loss of my baby. I couldn't control you passing away. I can no longer allow those things to allow me to be broken."

"So, what you think you're going to be magically fixed after 30 days? You think mental health works like that?"

I chuckle, "No, I don't think I'll be fixed, but I know I will be closer to being who I am supposed to be. And I accept your apology."

"I never apologized."

"And you never will. And I accept that. I have to accept the apology I will never get so that I can heal."

"That will never work."

"It will." I declare before inhaling, "With every breath I take, I release the parts of me that's toxic, including the parts of you that caused those parts of me."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do."

"If you believed that, then why am I still here?" He chuckles, "Why am I still in your mind?"

"Because you're a scar that will fade with time." He grins at the answer, "But you're a scar that I will forget because I will push you to the back of my mind with ease for the rest of my life."

"You're just going to forget me, Steph?" He asks, sadness washing over his face. I smile, "Never. But I will forget the bad parts of you, which includes this part of you. And I think this discussion is finished. And I will take this closure." I close my eyes and exhale, tears falling with the breath. I'm not crying because I'm hurting, I am crying because I am letting my hurt go. And it feels so good.

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November of 2017, I learned to accept the apologies I would never receive and to give myself the closure that I would never receive from the person that had hurt me. I learned to let my hurt go. And it hasn't been back since. Never be afraid to give yourself what you deserve and/or need because no one else will.

-Shamya