Underfell

Guards of Gay

I was disappointed to say the least to discover the nice cream cart lacked a nice cream man. I looked all around to see that no one was watching, then began to lift the lid on the cart. Flowey gasped.
"That's stealing!" He protested.
"This heat is going to kill both of us, I'd rather live as a criminal than die as a...non criminal."
"Well you're just gonna die as a criminal at a later time." I narrowed my eyes, took hold of one of Flowey's petals and stuffed it in his mouth. I completely opened up the nice cream cart and let out a rather loud groan as I discovered there was nothing in it but a single wrapper, and that the cooler wasn't even cold. As I closed the lid again I heard two voices in the distance. I ran to hide behind the cart, and peered over the top at the two tall figures walking in the distance.
"-actually a smart idea. If it weren't a crime I'd do the same." I began to make out what one of them was saying, and soon I could hear their whole conversation.
"You'd really sell frozen treats with traces of...like, all sorts of drugs?"
"Yeah, it's genius! It's so hot here so people will definitely be willing to buy."
"Why not just sell regular ice cream here? And y'know...not break the law?" There was a pause.
"....what's the fun in that?" I recognized the voices, it was the two super gay guards of Hotland. I was two busy processing the fact that the nice cream guy was a drug dealer to try and imagine what those two looked like. But I had a feeling I'd find out pretty soon when their footsteps stopped right in front of the cart.
"Now where are we gonna keep this? We already confiscated the drugs, can't we just leave it here?"
"Nahhh, you could start up your ice cream business with it." I heard a clash of metal, as if one of them elbowed the other.
"Honestly though, that'd be so fuckin' gay dude."
"Yeah I know, that's why it would suit you." Another clash of metal, this time way louder and followed by an "Ow!"
"Let's just take this and go." As soon as those words where said the nice cream cart was lifted off the ground and my hiding spot was revealed. The two armored men stared down at me; they wore basically the same thing but with random spikes all over the sides of their armor. I smiled awkwardly and waved. The one holding the cart threw it to the side and bent down to pick me up by the collar. I struggled against him, but his armor was so hot I couldn't touch him.
"A human? How much do you think we'll get for bringing one of these to Undyne?"
"Dude forget Undyne, let's bring it straight to Asgore!" The other guard seemed to flinch at this.
"N-no there's a chance we could be wrong, it's safer to go to Undyne." The other just looked at him for a few moments before nodding. He set me down for a moment just so he could pick me up by the fabric on my back, so he was carrying me like a suitcase. They began walking and talking casually again as I helplessly hung from the first guard's grip and thought of a plan.
"What are you gonna buy when we get rich?" One asked.
"Probably some armor that doesn't overheat so damn much."
"Just take off the chest armor every once and a while."
"Dude you're being gay again."
"Shut UP!"
"He probably is gay." I piped up. The two stopped in their tracks to look at me. "I bet he wants you to take off your armor."
"I can't believe the first time I hear a human speak is when it's calling me gay." The guard holding me muttered. The other guard roared with laughter.
"The human is pretty smart." He said between laughs.
"His voice gives it away." I said smugly. The guard laughed again and began to do an exaggerated girly voice. He was cut off suddenly by a punch to the face by the guard holding me. The punch he received in return caused him to drop me face-first onto the ground. I scrambled to my feet and broke into a run. I glanced back to see the two had broken out into a full blown fist fight.
"You're just gonna leave them like that?" Flowey squeaked.
"They've got armor on, it's fine." I said bluntly. I kept running until I couldn't hear them anymore, and wound up passing by the now destroyed nice cream cart. I wonder where the nice cream guy was taken. And I still can't believe he was selling drugs, I didn't see any traces of that in his cart the first time I looked...
I peered inside to get a closer look, and I stumbled backwards when I found myself looking at a cart full of spiders. They seemed to hiss at my presence, then scatter in all directions. Flowey let out a terrified cry and immediately reached vines out to pull us on top of the cart. There we watched as the spiders regrouped and headed off into the opposite direction.
"That must mean we're close to Muffet." I breathed.
"Who?"
"The spider lady...she's a bit difficult but it's okay because I bought a donut earlier." I thought back to the rotten donut I still had with me. I've thought about eating it to recover in battle a few times, but it grossed me out to the point of taking a loss instead.
    "What does buying a donut do?" Flowey asked as he lowered us back on the ground.
    "She eventually learns that I supported her and her spiders by buying from a spider bake sale, and because of that she spares me."
    "Why would she do that? I'm sure you're worth more than a donut." He responded. I shrugged. Hopefully this version of Muffet doesn't think the same thing.