Keep Breathing

19

Take on a day in my shoes, feel the demand of having every eye in the world watch your every move and judge it as critically as humanly possible. Then lay down, in this crumbling old apartment, amongst the blankets on the floor, next to an empty pizza box while the record player sounds quietly behind you, and watch the peaceful face of a girl with a broken soul. Then tell me it's not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. 

I've watched her fall to pieces. I've watched her actually smile a genuine smile. I've held her while she wept and kept my hold as she dreamt. But nothing is more amazing than the way her heart is beating against my side and how her chest pushing closer to mine with each breath she takes in her sleep. There is a certain serenity as we lay here. The music, her breathing,  her heartbeat, the burning of where our skin touches. Something about it felt right, like I could wake up this way every day and be happy with it. Even in this crummy apartment, without any real money, I'd stay here with her.

I wonder if she knows that. That I'd stay here forever. She's more than I expected her to be, from whatever changed since I left my hotel till now, there's something new inside me. I've seen a part of her she's been trying to hide since I got here. She didn't want me to know what she said in all the letters was actually so real, I knew that. I still never gave up and just last night I experienced first hand what she was going through and my chest began to ache with each thought filling my head about that dreadful moment I walked in and saw her on the floor. Her eyes had no life, just a deep and burning sadness. That sadness was so easily hidden inside her it makes me wonder how she's survived. 

When I'm upset my mates know it, I kind of zone out and don't talk for awhile. I just write a lot. But here's Luna, smiling the day away despite the lifelessness welling within her. She acted like it was all okay until she was alone. I don't want to leave  her alone anymore... but how do help her?  I can't just drag her around with me off to knew countries, with fans like mine. They're great, but I'm afraid they're a bit too dangerous for someone like Luna. She's strong but I don't know how strong if she's got people verbally attacking her from every direction. I've only got a few days left here, I need to figure out something.

My inner monologue faded as Luna's body shifted beside me, she was lying on her stomach with her side pressed against mine. I'd woken up facing her with one arm already around her torso. Our faces were only inches apart and I could see each delicate feature that was etched into her gorgeous face. I finally looked away to dig my phone out of my back pocket, it was 4am, so we'd only been asleep for a few hours. I want her to wake up to something as beautiful as I did. 

My eyes wandered around Luna's small apartment for a bit, looking at all the records and tapes she kept, I found myself gawking at the amount of instruments she kept in here. I knew only of a guitar before because I never really took in what was around me but now that I am, there was something everywhere. A keyboard against the wall, her acoustic guitar up against the side of the couch, a harmonica on the side table, a tambourine on the bookshelf, a ukulele on her kitchen counter, how did I not notice it all before?

I look back at Luna, watching her slow breathing for another moment before something great struck me. The words were already flowing through my mind at a quick pace. I carefully pulled myself away from her and grabbed my journal from bag. I tried my hardest not to make any noise as I sat at her small two person dining room table and scribbled down the words taking over my mind. I hummed a tune and took to the keyboard, finding the master volume and turning it as low as possible. Louis had taught me a few things before so I hoped they would work now. I worked the tune out for an hour, going back and forth between the two I liked most before finally choosing one and sticking it all together.

I had only begun again when my phone blared from it's spot on the floor next to Luna. My eyes went wide as I dived for little hunk of plastic. I cringed as Paul's number flashed across the screen. How long had I been doing this and was I late? was all that now processed through my mind. I hid in Luna's bedroom before hitting answer and sighing. "hello?"

"You're supposed to be at the venue at 7. That's in one hour Harry where are you?"

"I'm at a friends house, I'm leaving now don't worry" i mumbled, staring down at the journal in my hand. 

"Good, Lou's got your clothes for you to change so be quick"

"Yeah.."

"You alright Harry?"

"Yeah-yeah. Be there in a bit" I replied lowly, hanging up right after and sighing deeply once more. I didn't want to leave her alone already. After slipping my mobile into my back pocket again, I tore the page from my journal and placed it on the keyboard along with the tune already saved. I hope she'd put them together and know it's from me, for her. 

Slowly, dreading my own departure, I walked towards Luna. I watched her chest heave up and down and wondered what she was dreaming about. Was she dreaming of me tonight? I knelt down on the floor and brushed away her wild hair that had partially covered her pale skin. I pressed my lips against her cheek in it's place before backing away again. I gathered my bag, and stopped by her dining room table again, taking away the carton of cigarettes that lay there and shoving them in my back pocket. When I finally made it to her front door, I froze again. Suddenly I had turned completely around and I b-lined for her bedroom door. Just where we had left them, several blades lay scattered along her floor. I carefully picked each on up and put them back in the black satin bag they had fallen from and took them with me. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her with those, yet it didn't make me feel any better as I left the apartment. She'd be waking up alone again today, and I wished I could be better for her. 

(the song Harry left was 'Before you start your day' by Twenty One Pilots)