Keep Breathing

20

Luna-

I expected everything to be warmer. I expected- more so hoped that maybe I'd awaken to strong arms and that same angelic scent I fell asleep too. But nothing I ever hope, actually happens. I ruffled through my blankets until I was sure I was alone and let the darkness inside me eat at my mind. Where did he go? Why did he leave? Just when I began to believe there was a little something worth feeling okay about it disappears. Just a couple more days though right? 

I'm not waiting the last week until new years anymore. Harry would be back home for Christmas by then so I'd be fine to just get on with it the night he leaves. Who do I have to celebrate Christmas with anyway? 

I wasn't as surprised as I should have been when finding I was waking up alone. I kind of felt like a cheap one night stand in a way but these things should be expected for a girl like me shouldn't they? I don't know how my mother always had such a strong faith in humanity. She believed everyone had good inside of them, she said so in her last dying breath. Maybe it'd be good for me to learn from her mistakes. 

I pushed the sheets off my legs and palmed my tired eyes. His scent was still everywhere, filling my nose and clinging to my own skin. I crossed my arms over my chest and held my arms tightly as I walked towards my kitchen. I found myself falling into my usual routine, putting the kettle on, my record player was already on, and I couldn't remember if that was from last night or if Harry had turned it on this morning? I didn't want to bother myself with thinking about him again, morning wasn't my ideal time to cry. After a quick shower and shimmying on some scrappy old jeans and a ramone's tee I raced back to the kitchen to take the kettle off the stove and make my tea. Having the steaming cup of liquid in my hands again calmed me. The warm feeling beneath my finger tips carried itself throughout my body freely as I sat at the small bench in front of my keyboard. But something felt oddly out of place now. My eyes fell onto the overused keys and finally focused on the crumpled paper showing off unfamiliar handwritten lyrics. 

 Scribbled at the top was 'Before You Start Your Day'. I read the words aloud to myself, slowly, like a poem. 

Open the slits in your face and start your day
You don't have much time to make your slits look just right
I'm in your mind
I'm singing
I'm in your mind
I'm singing la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da da

I stopped for a moment and looked at the keyboard, the red light above 'rec 1' was blinking slowly. Curiously, I pressed play and turned up the master volume. I read the words along with the new tune, something inside me twisting and turning at every word. 

Look in the mirror and ask your soul if you're alright
Put out the glitter that your soul hides behind
You're in my mind
I'm singing
You're in my mind
I'm singing la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da da

I set the paper back above the keys, just in place for me to see clearly and rested my fingers on the keys. It took a few tries until I got the tune on my own but eventually I found myself hitting the 'rec 2' button and began to play. Singing the words all over again just the way he had written. 

Nowhere were they holy
Open up your eyes and see
The clouds above will hold you
The clouds above will sing

And in your mind
You're singing la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da da

When I stopped my fingers hit the keys heavily. I wasn't angry, or depressed, I was relieved to know he didn't just leave but at the same time, now I knew he saw right through every thing I've ever said. He's seen through my skin and bones, straight towards the darkness inside and there was no denying it anymore. He saw everything I am, even my low. Flashes of Harry's eyes watching the blades shaking between my pale fingers dug a hole into my stomach. I wished he never saw that part of me but something inside my mind knew it was for the better. And as much as I didn't want to place the last few broken pieces of my heart into Harry's hands, it was slowly going there anyway...and there was nothing I could do about it.

Harry-

"Styles I swear to god if you don't stop that fucking humming and foot tapping I will cut off your tongue and glue your foot to the floor" 

My absentminded noise making stopped immediately. I hadn't realized I was doing any of that during rehearsal. I was just thinking about the tune from this morning....that may explain my actions a bit. I gave Louis an apologetic smile and blew out a puff of nervous air. It was noon now and I hadn't gotten any text's from Luna. I tried calling her earlier when we had a short break but she never answered. It worried me. 

"A bit harsh there Lou" Liam commented with a raised brow. 

"Nah he's right" I waved off Liam and breathed deeply again. 

"You nervous 'bout somthin?" That was Niall now, I'd gotten the attention of everyone apparently. 

"Nervous about you lot asking about where he was all night" Zayn shot a wink in my direction from his spot in the front row of red seats and I groaned. Yep, got the attention of everyone. Good going Styles. 

"Yeah- where were you last night mate?" Louis had jumped back into the conversation now. I hated group conversations- questions get shot at you a million miles a second and that's precisely what is about to happen, I could feel it. My fingers clenched tighter on the mic stand as I looked out over the empty arena. It would be completely filed tonight-maybe I could bring Luna. 

"Just a friends house"

"I hope no paps caught ya, another womanizing story is just what your rep needs" Liam responded from his spot on the floor. He was spread out along the stage's edge with one foot hanging off the ledge and both arms behind his head as he watched me with a sideways glance. "you know you have to be careful"

"I know, don't worry nobody saw me"

"They didn't see you leave the hotel with the rest of us either" Liam added. I shrugged helplessly, I had no explanation  for the rumors that would be started because of that.

"So this friend is Luna right?" I nodded at Niall's question. "Well  she must be really special to have you so distracted all the time lately" I shrugged again without speaking. "when do we get to meet her?"

"Yeah is she coming to the concert tonight?" Louis questioned, waltzing across the stage, shoeless with an empty water bottle in one hand. 

I chewed my lip. "Yeah- yeah she's coming tonight." That is if she'll ever answer my call.