Back To You | Jerrie

Chapter 4

Jade

White light.

All I see is the bright glow above me.

The haze of death. This is it.

I inhale and exhale. Fresh air. It's clean and pristine like the radiant light above me. It calls to me¸ begging me to come.

The luminosity is beautiful and calming.

Am I ready to go?

I know what it feels like to be left behind. The pain of agonizing over the loss of a loved one. Watching them cry and fall apart because they wish it wasn't happening. What will this do to everyone? To Perrie?

I draw a deep breath and wait for something. Hell, anything. Death is pretty anticlimactic. Where's God? Where are the angels and shit? I figured I'd hear some horns or trumpets. "Taps" maybe? I've been gypped.

There are no sounds in heaven.

It's eerie and tranquil.

"Fight, Thirlwall!" I hear someone call out.

Fight for what? For the pain I feel?

No, thanks.

My heart stops and I feel the tension in my body. I try to draw in air but it lodges and I begin to gasp and choke.

Here comes the end.

"Charge to 70," another voice speaks, and my mind tries to grasp what's happening.

"Clear!" he yells, and a current tears through me.

There are no sounds. No one says anything as the beep registers on the monitor before I let go. I have no fight left.

"Push another round of epi!"

It hurts to breathe, so I stop trying.

The darkness returns and then the light takes over, my vision blurs. I keep my eyes closed.

I'm not ready to go ... to lose everything and everyone. As much as I'd like to live with no guilt and no remorse anymore, I can't leave them all.

So once again, I find the fight I have inside of me. The part of me I rely on when I have to find a way. I'm about to use everything I have left—if I can't get through this black there'll be no going back.

"Charge to 80."

"Clear."

The electric voltage travels through my body shocking each nerve alive.

"Pulse is eighty," a female voice says.

My chest heaves as I struggle to gain control of my body.

The bright ray returns and it's blinding. Taking all of the warmth I felt before. Now, I'm cold. There's pain everywhere, each bone feels like it's shattering. The fucking agony is unbearable. Maybe death is the better choice if this is the shit I'm going to go through. Although, if this is death shouldn't there not be any goddamn pain?

I'm going to miss her. Maybe I can still hear her, touch her, and see her from heaven. She's my heaven on Earth. She gave me the will to love again, even if it nearly broke us both. She's my downfall too, but it was worth the pain to have the time we had. I never told her though. I never really explained how much she gave me. I'll never have that chance now.

No.

Fuck this.

Regret is a motherfucker.

"Pulse is rising," another voice says.

My eyes open and I see someone in my face. "Thirlwall. Can you hear me? Get the family in here." I struggle to figure out what's going on as my eyes close. "She's waking up."

Time passes and I hear a lot of movement, but I can't focus on anything.

"Jade, if you can hear us, open your eyes." I feel something press against my arm and tighten.

Drawing a deep breath I smell vanilla. She's here. I will my eyes to open as I feel the pain again. The muscles lock in my body as I will them to obey. The light grows brighter and brighter. Fucking hell, this shit hurts.

"Jade?" I hear Perrie's voice crack.

I try to move my hand and I feel her soft hand grasp mine. I felt that. All of it. I can feel her skin.

Closing my eyes again, I try to adjust to the light. I'm awake—alive. Tilting my head to the side, I open my eyes and look at her for the first time.

Breathtaking.

That's the only word I can think of. She's beautiful. Even with her puffy eyes and quivering lips—she takes my breath away.