Back To You | Jerrie

Chapter 23

Jade

"You ready?" Jesy asks from behind me. She's wearing her full dress uniform, white gloves and all.

With a little help I was able to get my dress blues on. The only time I've worn this uniform since I got out was for the last team member we lost a few months ago. I hate how once again I'm putting it on for the same reason. In fact, this is pretty much the only time I wear it. I'm going to fucking burn it after this, and then maybe we'll stop having to go to funerals.

I straighten my belt and huff. I can't do this. I can't bury another friend. "Fuck. I can't do this. Just go without me," I say looking away.

Next thing that registers is her fist connecting with my bad shoulder.

"What the fuck?" I ask while trying to get rid of the stinging in my arm.

"You're going. I'll punch you in the fucking face if you even try to say it again. You shut your mouth and listen. Maybe when you were taking your little nap you didn't hear me, maybe your tiny brain can't retain it, but I've had enough of your goddamn bullshit. You're going! I swear to fucking God you're going today," Jesy rages and runs her hand down her face.

I've never seen her so pissed—well, not at me at least. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Of course not! You weren't the only one in that village, idiot. You weren't the only one who watched Aaron go and handle the issues in Afghanistan that either one of us could've dealt with. You didn't fucking go to Natalie and tell her that her husband was dead. No, fucker, I did that. I had to knock on her door, catch her in my arms as she lost it. So kiss my fucking ass."

"Keep it up, dumbhead," I warn.

She turns as if I didn't say anything and mocks me, "'I'm not going.' My fucking ass you're not. You're not the only one who's ever lost anyone!" she yells and punches the door. "I fucking lost them too! They were my friends too, Muff. You aren't the only one who lives with guilt!" Jesy chokes on the last part.

"I know that!" I yell back at her. "But I sent them to their deaths! I live with this every fucking day."

"You still don't get it. We were a fucking team. I left the Navy after you did because where you go, I go. I followed because you, me, and Aaron—we're a team." Jesy balls her fists up and steps toward me. "You aren't the only one in this team. I've watched every single fucking one of them die. I watched you die too, you bitch." She points her finger and jabs me in the chest. I push her back away from me. And she stumbles.

"Don't fucking push me," I say strained.

"You want to fight me? Today? You want me to fucking lay you out?" Jesy says taunting me and throwing her hands up.

"Fuck you!" I don't want to fight her but she's about to push me there.

"No, fuck you! I'm not sitting around acting like I'm the only person who suffers. It's what the job is. You know this. I know this. When we became SEALs we knew we could die but it's what we lived for. Losing him though—he wasn't supposed to die."

The words I want to say to her won't come out. I want to tell her to fuck off, but I can't. She's lost as many friends as I have. As much as I want to say something, she's right. Jesy and Aaron worked together every day. They spent more time together than I did in the last year while I was cleaning up my mess of a life.

After a few minutes of us pissed off with our fists ready to strike, we both take a step back. "He was a brother to me," she says. I look up and she shakes her head. "He was a better person than me or you. He didn't deserve to die."