First Love

Chapter 29

ANNABELLE’S POINT OF VIEW

Louis nodded, acting as though he understood. He stood up, and I stood with him, walking him to the door.

“I’ll talk if you ever want me to.” He said, walking away. I shut the door before collapsing against it, sobbing again. I went from sad to angry and back to sad again. In the middle of it all I found myself grabbing my razor out of my bag and sitting on the bed.

I was hurting someone who cared so much for me. He hurt me, and now I’m hurting him. I was hurting Lou because I refused to tell anyone what was going on. I was being weak and spineless and I just couldn’t believe how much I’d let go.

My wrists bled like crazy, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. It felt good knowing I was able to punish myself. I was a total bitch. I don’t know what Niall ever saw in me in the first place. Why did he even stay with me as long as he did? Could I blame him? My sobs got increasingly louder as I continued to scar myself.

Suddenly, two strong hands were grabbing my arms. I looked up to see Zayn, still slightly asleep. “Stop.” He said, his voice cracking slightly. I saw the despair in his eyes and lost it all over again, throwing my arms up in the air.

“I’m sorry! You weren’t supposed to. I’m not thinking.” I tried to tell him that I was being a baby, but I couldn’t form words. He pulled me into the bathroom and shoved my wrists under the sink. I whimpered, but kept my wrists underneath the water. He wrapped them with bandages before walking me back into the bedroom. I hadn’t said a word, and neither had he.

“You shouldn’t worry.” I mumbled, sitting down and looking up at him. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, but I refused to let out the sobs that were racking through my body. Zayn sighed, sitting down in front of me.

“Nobody is worth that much pain, Anna. It’s okay.” He said, holding my hands. I let out the sobs I tried to hide, throwing my arms around him.

“No! No it isn’t okay! It isn’t okay because everyone cares about me, and they just shouldn’t! What have I ever done right? What did you do to deserve to sit here and watch me break down like a baby? You weren’t supposed to see this. I’m not weak. I swear, I’m stronger than this. I am.” I trailed off, mumbling to myself. I was stronger than this, I really was.

“Nobody thinks you’re weak. I know your strong. Someone who was weak would be screaming and bawling and telling everyone that they should die because one person did them wrong. You’re already moving on.” Zayn tried, rubbing my back softly. I felt terrible for putting him through this. Why should he have to sit and watch me cry?

“Zayn. It’s okay. I don’t expect you to sit here and listen to this. You can go back to bed.” I tried. I wanted him to hate me, just like everyone else. Why should he like me? I’ve never talked to him before, and all of a sudden I’m coming to him and expecting comfort? What is wrong with me? I heard Zayn sigh and felt myself getting pushed further back onto the bed.

We were now both sitting cross-legged across from each other. Zayn still had my hands in his. Looking down I noticed the bandages on my wrists were already soaked. How much damage did I really do? I looked back up into Zayn’s eyes, noticing tears in his as well.

“No! Zayn, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m being a bitch. I need to just shut up.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, hoping to make him feel better. Here I am, making the one person who still cared about me cry. Why don’t I die?

“Anna. Please. Stop blaming everything on yourself. Please, just calm down. Everything is going to be okay.” He whispered shakily into my ear. I pulled away and looked into his eyes.

“What if it’s not?” I managed to whisper, almost afraid of the answer.

“I don’t know how things could go wrong.” Zayn said, looking somewhat confused.

“What if he gets together with her? I lost my best friend and my first love, Zayn. What do you even do after that happens?” I whispered, feeling tears fall down my cheeks again. Zayn reached up and brushed them away, his thumb resting on my cheek. I felt my head lean into his hand, savoring his touch.

Zayn looked into my eyes, and I looked back into his. I felt myself leaning closer to him. Holy shit, no. This wasn’t right. Was it? He was sweet, but I knew- my thoughts were cut off by Zayn’s lips on mine. It wasn’t even much of a kiss, really. Our lips just touched. It was enough, though.

“Holy. Holy shit. Anna. Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” He said, looking at my tear-filled eyes. He was wrong though. Those weren’t tears from sadness, they were tears of happiness.

What?

Author's Note:

This is really short, but I think part of the reason is the lack of dialoge. I mean there is some, but not as much as usual. There are a lot more thoughts and a lot less talking.

This was emotional, no? I think it was.

My song for this chapter (because I have decided I should do this) is:

"Two AM, where do I begin? Crying off my face again. The silent sound of loneliness wants to follow me to bed. I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most. I'm a shadow of a girl, that I used to know well."

The Lonely, Christina Perri.

I kind of cried while writing this, and this song came on. I have another one too, so I'm going to put that right down here below this sentence!

"Baby, I just ran out of bandaids, I don't even know where to start. 'Cause you can bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart. You must be a miracle worker, swearing up and down you can fix what's been broken. Please don't get my hopes up, no no."

Fix A Heart, Demi Lovato.

I just love her, and she has the best sad and happy songs ever. End of story.

I hope that the whole song thing is sort of helpful? I would post a video with it, but my Internet won't let me... I don't like it for various reasons, that being one of them.

Anyways, that is all.

Love you strawberries!

-Alexis(: