Cut It Short

I'm Tired, Jeremy.

It was hard for me to have this experience, but my life has been by far worse. Imagine a life where you have to always beg for something you deserve, like love and caring. This is my story.

I am Manuel del Monte. 40 years old. Gay. Currently working as an HR Business Partner at a BPO company. I have a fiancé and his name is Steven Smith and we met at a gay pride where I always come alone since I don't really have friends. It's hard to hear, right? Yet, it is the truth.

I am hated by everybody in the office because I don't appeal to them that much. Some of the employees in my work called me "Faggly", which is shortened for "faggot" and "ugly". I don't mind them calling me that. Some gay employees even called me "Ugly fat bitch" and "The one who looks like Moana but got fat". These vile things are the one that I have to deal every single day.

Guess what? It's far easier than what my family did to me. I didn't tell everybody how abusive they were since they are prominent in the industry. I was an orphan and they adopted me. They inculcated their values on me. But when I came out as gay, I experienced being drowned in a drum, waterboarding, and sometimes raped. I always do everything for them to love me. Yet, I have gotten little to nothing in return. That is why I am quite immune from what Steven has done to me.

We went to this show called "The Jeremy Kyle Show" and he was suspecting that I was cheating on him, in which I hadn't done such a thing. However, on my side of the story, I was doubting that he might have a son with that woman since I saw them strolling along the streets. I accidentally saw them and I thought that they might be just friends.

"Good day, sir. You were suspecting that your partner of 5 years is cheating on you," said Jeremy.

"Yes, because he was not always home at weekend afternoon for the past five months," I heard he explained.

I suddenly felt something heavy while staring on the wall because I am doing a research and I told him that. I even showed him my tools, and yet he didn't believe me. Steven is lying too much now. What happened to the man that I used to love?

"Please, Manuel, come out and say something," at that Jeremy's queue, I exited the other lounge and sat calmly while wiping my tears.

I can hear the people booing at me. I am not the one who's at fault. We may have different reasons, but why does he need to despise me like this? But when I looked at him, he suddenly become shivered like a stone in the middle of winter. I can feel his skin.

"So, Manuel, did you cheat on him?"

"No, I actually tried to explain to him why I am not home at Saturday afternoons for the past five months. I am researching about the training designs for the company where I am currently working. He didn't believe me. I am tired, Jeremy," and I breathed heavily.

"Bring me the results, please," Jeremy asked one of the security guards to give the lie detector results.

Jeremy opened the envelope and looked at both of us. As he opens it, he stands up from the steps of the stage and started blurting out the questions.

"The man in question was asked if he had kissed anybody," he turned to me asked a question, "So Manuel, what was your answer?"

"No," I said.

"Oh honey, he's telling the truth and passed every single question. What's more interesting is that he told the experts that he had a crush on that waiter in a restaurant and he stopped going there when he started to feel different. That's why you are lucky, Steven."

Steven held my hand when Jeremy opened the envelope containing his answers.

"The man in question was asked if he had any sexual contact with somebody else and what is your answer?"

"I answered 'no'," he said with conviction in his voice.

"The truth is... you are lying."

The moment he said the answers and failed all of it. I pulled my hand out of his hold. I stare on the floor and thinking what went wrong to us. While the audience are booing him, Jeremy suddenly called the woman and I looked at her. He was about to attack me and one of the security stopped her.

"So, Manuel, you asked if the baby that is shown in this picture," a baby picture suddenly appeared on the background and he continued, "is their child."

Jeremy paused suddenly when he saw me staring at the lounge where I came out.

"Honey, everything will be fine. I suppose."

"I hope so," I answered with much tired expression.

"Manuel, the results are in and the baby is... his son with her."

My world became an Armageddon in a snap. I tried to be calm but my tears won't subside. The audience are cursing them and Steven suddenly kneel in front of me. He was holding my hand and I pulled it. My heart seems like it would stop beating any moment. My faith in love is already lost.

"Baby, Manuel, we can do this," he suddenly hugged me and I am still not moving.

I saw most of the audience in tears. Until my tears suddenly fell.

"Let go of me," I whispered and he did.

Jeremy hugged me and trying to console me.

"Honey, everything will be alright."

"I know, but I am tired of begging for something that I deserve. All my life, I have to do something to be liked, to be wanted, to be needed and to be loved by somebody," before I ended the audience quiets. I continued, "Jeremy, I am really tired now. I am being suspected for the thing that I didn't do. Suddenly, this thing happens to me. By the way, for a long time, I am always alone. That is why loneliness doesn't bother me anymore."

"I'm sorry, Manuel," plead the woman.

"It's alright," and I smiled.

I looked at my ring. I pulled it off of my finger. I reached for Steven's hands.

"Steven, you know that I love you more than anything else. But then, be a father to your child. Without me, you two can be good parents. I believe that because I have seen you how you deal with the kids. I don't wanna be a distraction to your relationship. I am calling our engagement over. We need to go on by ourselves. I knew that you were lying to me but I chose not to believe in these instincts. Now I do. Thanks for the 5 years of being with you. I guess I need to move on and live by myself until I die. Bye for now. See you again," and I stood up and leave.

Jeremy followed me and he talked to me. He said that I was his calmest guest ever. He really commended me on how I dealt with everything.

"You deserve to be happy, honey," he told me.

"Not now, Jeremy. I guess I need to live by myself again. Don't worry about me."

I left the studio and walked my way to the nearest bus station. I needed to get my things at home because I will leave for The Netherlands since I accepted the offer already.

One thing that I have learned from that event is that I need to love myself and just move on from it. It is not easy but I think this would be the best thing to do for us. I changed my phone number and now I am strolling throughout Amsterdam and just trying to take pictures.

Nothing hurts more than what I have experienced my entire life. I had to deal with it many times. Now I am moving on. My family won't be able to go further to scare me again. I feel renewed and... finally loved by myself.