All I've Ever Known

1. Maybe I Was Wrong

“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”

― John Green

My hands shook as I smoothed my dress backstage in my dressing room. This was not a good time to be going on Ellen. My mind flashed back to three weeks ago, when I broke up with Taylor. I hadn’t called him on his birthday and four days later, when he came over, I ended it. He really loved me. He wasn’t like the others. Why hadn’t I seen that before it was too late? I started crying when my mind brought up his face when I let him go. I put my head in my hands.

Suddenly my mom came over and wrapped her arms around me. “Taylor! You’re crying! Are you okay sweetheart?” she asked. She moved her hand up to my face and wiped my eyes, getting mascara on her thumb in the process.

I bent my head down and touched her forehead. “Mom, I was wrong. I can’t do this right now,” I said.

She sighed and brought her hand to the back of my neck and quietly said, “Honey it’s going to be tough for a while, but you just got to put on your brave face an-”

“Mom! You know Ellen is going to ask about him!” I screeched. A chill raced down my spine and I buried my head into her arms.

My publicist, Paula, stuck her head into the room to tell me I was on in 15 minutes. She saw my face and came rushing in. She wrapped her arms around me. Paula was like a second mom to me. I don’t know what I would do without her.

“Taylor, it’s going to be okay. It’s going to take a while but you’ll be okay,” she whispered, “Just try to avoid the subject right now. I know with Ellen it won’t be easy, but you’ve done it before.”

Both of them sat there hugging me. It wasn’t long, though, before I was on. Paula and my mom both left and my make-up artist returned to fix my mascara and everything else that went with the tears. Then, before I knew it, I was sitting in a chair across from the legendary Ellen DeGeneres.

Ellen casually started out with a few jokes, whipped out a copy of my album and said it was the best thing ever. She said everything I expected her to. She cracked some jokes at me, asked me how the new album was going, how it was like being on tour, things like that. Then, just as my time was up, she got quiet, reached her hand out, and held my hand for a few seconds. The entire audience went completely silent. Finally, she stood up, said, “Taylor Swift everybody!” and waved good-bye to me as I walked backstage with her audience cheering and clapping. I went straight to my dressing room, collapsed into a chair, and cried.