All I've Ever Known

3. Do I Deserve Another Chance

"If only I had a chance to start over with you."

- Anne Dawn

My heart was racing. I was scared to death. My hands were shaking and sweating. I sat down on my bed.

"Hey Taylor," he said casually.

"Hey...uh...Taylor," I replied.

I heard him take a deep breath. What could he be thinking? My mind was racing.

"Taylor, I'm sorry," I blurted out, "I made a mistake. I thought you were like the rest. Every time you called me I would brace myself for a good-bye. Because...that's all I've ever known."

I took a deep breath and continued, "I was in fear that you would break up with me. So that's why I ended it. I guess I realized too late that...we...could've been something."

There was a long pause on Taylor's end before he finally said, "I always loved you. From the beginning. To the end. I would've never left you. I thought that...we could've been something too. But then..." his voice trailed off.

We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he quietly said, "Taylor, next time you're in LA, I want to see you. Maybe we've got a shot at being friends."

I hadn't realized I'd been crying until I tried to speak. My voice cracked as I answered him, "That'd be great Taylor."

He told me there was a small café a few blocks from his house that we could meet at. We talked a little bit about how he had been auditioning for a few other movies. How I was in the studio a lot more lately. We talked about the weather. We talked about the latest Hollywood gossip. How he was excited for the Winter Olympics this winter. Other subjects came and went until finally I told him that next time I was in LA, I'd call him. Then, we hung up.

I laid back on my bed and let the tears roll. I didn't want to be his friend. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I truly did. I finally understood he had wanted that once too. But I was too late.

I looked at my phone again. It was almost 5pm. I drug myself out to the kitchen and made some supper. I watched a little TV, got a shower, and went back to my empty bed and thought about all the times when I shared a bed with him. When I would roll over in the middle of the night just to see his face. So peaceful and relaxed when he was sleeping. Then he would wake me up in the morning with a long passionate kiss and ask me how come I was wearing his shirt even though he already knew. The mornings where we wouldn't get out of bed until late afternoon. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, talking.

Remembering all these things about Taylor and what we did caused me a lot of pain. But I knew this was my own fault. I had gotten myself into this.

And I also knew I had to get myself out.