Infinity and Beyond

34 - All Alright

Ashton

Emily went straight to sleep that night, no doubt exhausted after such a draining day, but I couldn't switch off. I lay there for ages with my arm around her, just staring up at the ceiling with my eyes wide open and my mind full of thoughts. I didn't know how to feel. I wasn't angry or disappointed about what Emily had said, yet in some ways I was. Part of me wished she had told me sooner and not kept it from me, but more hated that she had kept it to herself for so long. When I asked her, she said nobody but her parents, Tom, Jo Jo and of course George knew. For something so big - life changing, really - that wasn't many people. I couldn't imagine how she could have kept it so quiet for so long. But then maybe it was easier to deal with if not everyone knew.

After two hours my mind was starting to drive me insane. It wasn't just the worry about Emily that kept me awake, it was the worry that, however likely or unlikely, it could happen again. It wasn't impossible before but it was even more possible if she had had a miscarriage before. The thought of it wouldn't go away, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wouldn't happen, and I couldn't bear it any longer. It felt like if I stayed there with only my thoughts to listen to for one second more, I would go mad.

Carefully sliding away from Emily, I crept out of bed, out the room and downstairs. It was pitch black and I didn't know the house well enough to stride confidently, so I ran my hand along the wall as I slowly made my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I didn't know what I was going to do, but getting out of that bed was definitely a start. It was like the sheets were pinning me down and not letting my mind go anywhere expect on Emily. It was smothering and I couldn't take any more. Down here the air seemed fresher and more breathable, so I took my water and sat down on the sofa for a little while. I didn't plan on staying there long but then something caught my eye under the TV; once my eyes had adjusted to the dark I could just about make out it was a video cassette with 'Emily' written on it, along with something else I couldn't see. My curiosity got the better of me and after a few minutes I got up to see what it was. I still couldn't read what it was, because the writing was small and it was still very dark, so I turned the TV on and inserted it into the video player. It took me a while to work out how to use it, because I hadn't seen one of them for years, let alone used one, but I eventually got it working. I turned the volume down as low as it could go while still being audible, then shuffled back a little bit to watch it.

"Is it working?" Emily's dad said.

"Yes, yes - oh, it's starting!" Her mum's voice was quieter and when the camera lifted up it could be seen that her dad was holding it and they were sat front row in front of a stage. Background murmurs faded as the curtains pulled and silenced the audience. Then, almost missable at first, a young Emily walked on from the side. She looked nervous but there was an evident sparkle in her eye as she took her position for the start. When the music started, she went straight into it and danced perfectly, never missing a step. I watched spellbound - I knew she was good, but I didn't realise how good from such a young age.

"Is my dad still making people watch that even from beyond the grave?" I turned around to see Emily stood in the door to the living room, watching the video with a sad smile. She looked away from it to me, then came and sat down on the floor next to me.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep so I came to get a drink, then I saw it and..." There was no response from her, as she just shuffled up against me and carried on watching. Not once did she falter, as far as I could tell, and the entire thing was flawless.

"Oh, Julie, wasn't she brilliant?" The camera shook as everyone applauded but you could still make out Emily beaming, looking just above the lens and you could tell her gaze was on her parents. Then the curtains started to close and she ran off stage elegantly.