Infinity and Beyond

48 - Watching the Stars

Ashton

As far as I was aware, Emily hadn't cried once. Since the news that there was no longer a heartbeat, she'd looked numb and of course sad, but it was her face that gave it away, not her eyes. It concerned me a little, because I had no idea how she was coping with it. It wasn't like we'd exactly talked about it, and it worried me that she was keeping it all bottled up. I had no way of knowing if she was okay, and this was all I wanted to know.

This was why it panicked me so much when I woke up in the middle of the next night and found the bed empty next to me. The moment I realised she wasn't there I shot up and threw the covers off me, looking around frantically. She wasn't in the bathroom, which relieved me in a way, though as I was turning around to leave I caught sight of something out the window. I blinked a couple of times to make sure my tired eyes weren't playing tricks on me, but then relaxed and slowly made my way downstairs in a much calmer way.

The light from the back door lit up the hallway towards the kitchen, and I paused there for a few seconds to look out. I couldn't tell what Emily was looking at, if anything, but she was sat on the grass completely still. She looked round when I opened the door, and as I walked towards her the only sound was my bare feet on the patio. It fell silent again when I sat down next to her, until she started speaking.

"I thought I could do it this time," she whispered. I frowned, and as if sensing I was about to ask her what she meant, she carried on. "The first time I got pregnant I was terrified. I came round to it eventually, even after George gave up on us, but I was scared stiff to begin with. Then when I lost it...I realised I should have listened to myself at the start. There must have been a reason I was so scared, but because I didn't know what it was I pushed it away and told myself it was just general nerves, like any teenager probably gets if they're pregnant. I was wrong, though, and if I'd listened to myself I would never have gone through with it to begin with, because I would know I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have gotten attached to a baby I couldn't even have anyway.

"I thought this time would be different. Sure, I was terrified still, but it felt different. It didn't feel like the same kind of fear, not like I knew deep down I was going to lose the baby. And when I got past those first twelve weeks, I completely forgot about it. I started to believe that I could do it. I thought I could have a baby."

"Em, you do have a baby. We will always have this baby. We've heard its heartbeat, we've seen its face. Remember when we were debating the whole way home from the 20 week scan whether it had my nose or yours?" I said and we both giggled a little. "We wouldn't have had that if you didn't have this baby. Just because it's...just because of what happened, that doesn't mean that you don't have a baby."

"But we won't have a child. We won't bring our baby home from the hospital, and celebrate its first birthday, and watch it go off to school, or see it grow up. I lost it, Ashton, and we won't get any of that. You won't be a dad, and I won't be a mum."

"What are you talking about? Of course we will. Maybe not to this baby, in that way, but we are. I saw how all you thought about was Izzy and Sophia the other night. You were in pain that I can't even imagine, scared half to death, but you didn't give up on them. You stayed calm in front of Sophia and made me take her up to bed, even though you shouldn't have been alone at that moment, and one of the first things you did was call Calum so that they wouldn't be left alone. You wouldn't have done any of that if you weren't a mum."

"That doesn't change the fact that-"

"Emily, listen to me. When your dad died, you didn't say that you weren't his daughter anymore, did you?" I held her gently by the shoulders and she slowly shook her head. "Then there's no reason for you to say that you aren't this baby's mother. We will always be parents to it. And maybe...maybe some day we can have another baby. We can give them a brother or sister. But for the time being, we can just remember this baby. It's our child, and nothing, nothing, changes that."