Infinity and Beyond

47 - Unbearable

Emily

Everything that was said to me afterwards went straight over my head. It turns out that being told your baby no longer has a heartbeat makes you block everything out, and turns you deaf to the world. Ashton's hand slowly slipped out of mine and everything seemed blurry. I didn't come back to Earth until I heard them talking about inducing labour.

"No," I said, then again louder when nobody heard me. "You're not touching my baby."

"Miss, it really is best for you and baby if we do this-"

"No it's not! You just told me my baby is dead! Nothing is best for it anymore. And it's not best for me, I-I can't do that, I can't," I insisted, trying my best not to get too worked up.

"Emily, love, you need to listen to the doctors," Ashton told me gently, taking hold of my hand again but I shook my head.

"I can't Ashton. We just lost it...I can't let them take everything. Not yet. Please." He looked at me and I could see the difficulty he was having in making a decision. He eventually nodded, though, and I thanked him with a small smile before turning back to the doctors. "I can't do this tonight. I won't. I'm sorry, but please don't make me."

"We can't make you, but you really do need to understand that this isn't the best decision. Not just for your health, but psychologically. It would be far better for us to do this now."

"No." I stood my ground with another firm shake of my head, then sat up properly and swung my legs to the edge of the bed. Everyone straight away started pushing me to stay sat down, even Ashton, and I couldn't resist but I wouldn't lie back down either.

"Please. We'll come back, even in a couple of days. Just not tonight. Don't make us go through this as well," Ashton persuaded them. The doctor who had done the scan reluctantly nodded and everyone stopped trying to get me to stay on the bed.

"You need to wait until we've discharged you, but there are plenty of other beds if you don't want to stay here."

"Thank you," I said quietly and this time actually stood up from the bed.

"Woah, slow down, we'll get you a wheelchair," one doctor offered and I immediately rejected the idea.

"I can walk," I insisted but they kept pushing me to get in a wheelchair. "I can walk! It's not far. I'm not getting in a wheelchair."

"Em-"

"I won't get in a wheelchair, Ashton!" I snapped, cutting him off. He knew then not to argue and the doctor gave up too, so I pushed myself off the bed and hobbled out of the room. A doctor showed us to one of the beds in the more open space, and he and Ashton helped me up onto it. Ashton and I then sat in silence, waiting for what felt like forever.

It was in this time that it started to sink in. They couldn't find a heartbeat. Our baby was dead. Just like that, it was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. And though I knew this, that there was nothing I could do about it, I still felt like it was all my fault. I was supposed to grow this baby - it was my job to carry it and keep it safe for nine months until it was ready to come into the world, alive and kicking, but I had failed. I had only managed six months. I had let the baby, Ashton, and everyone else down.

What didn't help was that I could see the blood still staining my clothes as I sat on the bed. The blood that should have still been inside of me, to keep the baby alive and make sure it kept growing. It wasn't doing that anymore and instead it was staring me in the face, a reminder of what I had failed to do and what I had lost. The pain I had felt didn't bother me. It was just the blood. And that was the one thing that hadn't gone away.