Halfpenny OC Reviews

Siofra Chonaill

This character belongs to YonakaCastle

Thank you for submitting and OC! I'm sorry this wasn't up sooner, I got distracted by work and trying to get a mentorship thing running.

Fandom: Creepypasta

Ironically, I was just discussing this fandom with someone.

Name: Siofra Ní Chonaill/Changeling Child

Nice, nice. The 'Changling Child' is her CP name, right? It's unique as far as Creepypasta names go, I;m relieved you didn't name her something like 'Insanity' or 'Siofra the Killer'.

Age: 168 (died at 11)

Okay, cool. So she's a ghost? You should put some research into the age that she was born in, and give her mannerisms and appearances in accordance to this. For instance, since she's young and children back in the day were 'meant to be seen and not heard' she might be especially quiet around adults.

Gender/Sexuality: Female/ -

Eleven year old with no sexuality; makes sense.

Appearance: Wears a green woolen shawl over her brown hair and a long brown dress. Has hollowed out eyes and blood, dirt and bruising all over her body as well as scorch marks on her clothes.

More base detail would be nice here, for instance how tall she is, and what skin color she has. Or, if those details aren't relevant, than have something explaining why they aren't-- perhaps because she is a ghost, her height changes randomly depending on how much energy she can draw from her surroundings.

Don't be afraid to add in some much finer details too, how is her ghost appearance different from what her human one was? Does she have any habits, a certain way of holding her hands, or little twitches?

Personality: Was a quiet and lonely child in life but became very depressed and world worn in death, almost constantly sobbing.

That all fits together nicely, there's nothing contradicting. Again, more information would be better. You mention that she's autistic in the backstory, autism has an impact on a person's personality, you can use things like that to add depth to your character.

Backstory: Siofra was born in 19th century rural Ireland where it was believed that fairies could steal babies and replace them with deformed fairy babies or 'changelings'. It was thought that these fairies must be killed asap. Siofra has aspergers, meaning that she was a quick target for the accusation of changeling. She was dragged from her house, stoned to death and her body was burned. She returned as a ghost hellbent on bringing misery upon her killers.

I see you did some research, excellent. Stoning seems kind of violent, considering she's eleven, you might want to add an inciting event, something the Siofra did that really pushed the villagers over the edge.

'Aspergers' might not be PC anymore, I think it's all autism spectrum disorder now. If you want to specify that her autism is mild then you can say either 'mild autism' or 'high-functioning autism'.

Powers: Going through walls, invisibility, all that ghosty stuff. She can also show people disturbing hallucinations which leads them getting into freak accidents.

How do the hallucinations tie into the character? It might make more sense if she had a power that related back to her death, or her autism, that way you can explain why she has that power and other ghosts don't.

Weaknesses: She cannot leave the boundaries of her village and becomes very emotionally distressed at the sight of fire.

That all goes perfectly with the character.

Other general weaknesses of ghosts include; salt, iron.

Other: She cannot tell the difference between the villagers alive in her time and their ancestors.

Duly noted. This would be the detail that makes her dangerous to the current villagers, it's nice that you included it.

.:Score and feedback:.

Originality Score: 77%: When you're working with Creepypasta there are several notable cliches that crop up in nearly every single pasta. You have handful, these include; her young physical age, her depressed mentality, her mental illness (all though I've never seen an autistic CP, so that's pretty original), and her hollowed eyes. You do a good job of explaining her age and her eyes in such a way that they're relevant to the story, and her autism is fairly unique as far as Creepypasta goes, which leave her depression. There needs to be a reason for it.

Interest Score: 80%: This character would certainly fit well into a Creepypasta setting. But there's not much to set her apart from all of the other characters. Expand on her history and her autism, and downplay her depressed mood or get rid of it all together, also try to think of a more ways you can make her different from the hundreds of other Pasta's out there.

Suggestions for Improvement: Do your research, not only into details of the character's life, but also into other Creepypastas. It can be really hard to create a Pasta who stands out from all the others, and the best way to do that is to find what the other Pasta OC's have in common, and make sure your character doesn't share that with them. Either that, or be hyper-well-written.

Sally is the only ghost CP that I can think of, but you can certainly kick around the Creepypasta net for more. Try Insane Nate, Nathan Nobody, or Pyromaniac Enya. You can also poke around Wattpad. Aim to read the less popular ones, well-known Pasta's are generally the ones that spark dozens of rip-offs, which means that they, being the original idea, are inherently immune from the 'cliche' accusation. Plus, I'm fairly certain you've already read them.

I do have to say that I love that you gave her a better reason than 'insanity' or 'abuse' to start killing people. Coming back after a violent death fits very well with ghost lore, and she certainly has motivation. Your character is well-put-together, all she needs is a little push to make her really stand out.