Halfpenny OC Reviews

Vick Kern

This character is submitted by: VictoriaClark075

Name: Vick Kern

The name is a bit stilted, the first name is good but it doesn't flow very will with the last name.

Age: 24

Cool

Gender: Genderfluid with a leaning toward female

Okay

Appearance:

Height: 5'5"/165cm

Weight: 140lbs/63.5kg

Eyes: Blue-Green

Hair: Brown and cut at jaw length. Often stringy looking.

Skin Tone: tanned but it often looks yellowish due to poor diet and lack of sleep

Body Type: a bit doughy, but strong arms and legs from hiking and

Clothing: T-shirts of varying cool colours, a jean jacket, cargo pants to hold lots of stuff, sneakers

I love how you've made her into a real character first, instead of a Creepypasta. She's normal, she's realistic, and that's going to help make her story so much better.

Strengths/Abilities: can swim exceptionally well, and can climb trees quickly (getting down is another matter entirely)

Where did she learn these abilities, how are they relevant to her story?

Weaknesses: loud noise and more than two people trigger an anxious reaction in her, she has a terrible stutter so communication can be difficult sometimes, she cannot run very fast at all, and when she realizes that she is somewhere high up she gets very frightened.

Okie dokie, looks like we have some triggers for her anxiety here, it's always good to have an idea of what will set your character off. The communication bit makes sense. However, the heights fear does not. How did she get to be such a good climber if heights frighten her?

Personality: Vick is more of a loner, finding peace in isolation. She is quiet and thoughtful, but can get anxious when around others. Any more than 3 people makes her shut down. She has a stutter that gets worse the more she gets stressed or anxious.

Okay, because she is a Creepypasta character, the introvertedness is definitely an overused trait, and so is the stutter. You can keep them, but make sure the reader grasps your character as a whole person before you bring in something to set off her anxiety. Spend time with her on her own for a while before you introduce her to people, that way the readers will be less quick to assume she's just another typical shy-but-psychopathic creepypasta character.

Backstory: Vick was put in the same mental hospital as Tim, as she had witnessed a horrible car accident on the highway and wasn't't responding well to normal therapy. She watched Tim struggle with the Operator, and was infected with Slender Sickness as a result. Her Mother decided to take her home, as she was obviously getting worse in the hospital. After leaving the hospital she did get better for awhile, but was introverted and internalized any stress. She left her parents home at 17, and has lived out of her truck ever since. The Operator still has interest, and she does see him every so often. The sightings increase around the time of Marble Hornets.

Solid backstory, and it fits with the Marble Hornets timeline well. I'm interested in seeing how this story would play out. The only thing I want to pick on is her age when she leaves; she's a minor, so there would definitely be an amber alert out for her, which severely limits where she can go, and how she can get basic amenities like food and water (even after she hits age of majority). Since she's 24 in the story, you could probably bump her age when she leaves to 18 and that will eliminate that problem.

Other:

Likes: music without lyrics, libraries, her truck

Dislikes: crowds, loud people, arguments, children,

Family: Mother- Vera White (alive but no contact) Father- Derren Kern (alive but no contact)

There's nothing really out of place here, although I'm not sure why she would dislike children.

Weapon: Baseball bat

Easily obtained and not too suspicious if spotted by a civilian (except in certain circumstances). Nice. Also, consider this: If she misplaces her baseball bat it's super easy to just snatch up the nearest stick or pipe and start swinging.

.: Scores and Feedback :.

Originality Score: 65%: Maybe I've just been absent from the Creepypasta fandom for too long, but I don't recall there being many OC's quite as...non-psychopathic as Vick. Points for that. On the other hand; running away; having anxiety; having a stutter; those are all very cliché and you will have to adjust your writing to make sure you aren't shoving those things down the readers' throat.

Interest Score: 30%: As much as I like this fandom and think that this character has a real shot at being good, I couldn't find anything that really made me want to read more.Vick doesn't draw me in, I can't find her voice. She definitely reads like a character for an event-driven plot rather than a character-driven plot, so it's a bit difficult to judge interest here.

Suggestions for Improvement: Okay, like I said before, let the readers see her as a person before youdelve into all her problems, especially the mental ones. Explore her currentlife. Her story is the kind where you should start with a lot more lead-up thanaction. Do some worldbuilding and character development mixed with a pinch ofexcitement and foreshadowing before plunging into the action. Uh, really there'snothing specifically about the character herself