Halfpenny OC Reviews

Kali De Vries

This character belongs to @astronymous

thank you for submitting a character!

Name/Nickname: kali de vries / kay (by her sister), and kal (by newt)

Capitalize! No, just kidding, I don't mind non-capitalization. I love this name though, and I happen to know it's regionally appropriate because I too have an African character named Kali.

Age: 22

Gender/Sexuality : female (she/her), straight

Cool,

Appearance : small and nimble, short, pixie cut black hair, dark skin color, prominent brown eyes and dark lashes, about 5"3 and weighs about 130 lbs

You cover a lot of information in that one sentence. It looks like you have all of the important stuff down, now you can start focusing on more minor details like what kind of clothes she wears, if she has any important scars or jewellery (you should look into Sudanese culture, they have interesting traditions/rituals and meanings behind things like scarification and certain jewellery like lip plates). Little details can help set the character apart for the readers, plus, you never know what doors might open up for your story when you add something like a favourite watch, or a missing tooth.

Personality : brutally honest, outspoken, tend to stick to set morals and principles, natural-born leader, always up for a challenge, very dedicated

These traits are all well-matched, you could maybe add some more negatives. The brutal honesty might be seen as a negative, but as far as I can tell that's it. However I don't think it's necessary to add anything, as all of the traits you listed can be twisted to be negative in certain situations, and there's a lot of room for possible character development. Good job!

Fears : snakes, letting down those who depend on her, becoming like her parents

Relevant, suitable.

Backstory : kali was a muggle-born witch born in rural sudan, in a village very anti-witchcraft. her parents were ashamed of her and acted as if she didn't exist. she commonly spent time in the rainforest, leading to her fondness of animals. when she got her dream message from uagodou (the african school's way of delivering letters, not owls), her parents found out and placed a venomous snake in the garden to kill or seriously injure her (hence the fear of snakes), but she used magic to defend herself. she attended the school, quickly becoming one of the top students in her classes. she learned how to transfigured into an animagus in her fourth year and doesn't use a wand (none of african witches/wizards do, they use their hands). she finally ran away from home the summer before her sixth year when her parents tried to ship her off to a muggle boarding school in south africa, leaving behind her unborn sister.

The rejection by her parents could be seen as Mary Sue, but it makes sense in terms of the story. I like the detail about African witches not using wands, because it creates a separate culture from the one in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. As far as I can see, there are no details here that are out of place.

Powers : very skilled in transfiguration & apparation

I will assume those are relevant to the story, if not then you should think of a way it could be relevant, or a different power that would be relevant.

Strengths : reliable, organized, resourceful, charming, clever, very intuitive, protective

The only thing that really stands out is the 'charming' bit. Maybe it's just me, but I don't really read this character as charming, it doesn't quite fit with her brutal honesty.

Weaknesses : doesn't trust others easily, secretive (could lead to her downfall), holds major grudges, stubborn, loses temper often, difficulty expressing her emotions

Ha, she sounds like me. There's nothing here that could use adjusting.

other --

animagus : her's is a leopard

amortentia : kali smells firewood, fresh paint, smoke, and that ridiculous cologne newt has in amortentia

That's cute.

date of birth : november 13th, 1899

boggart : her little sister's dead body

.:Scores and Feedback:.

Originality Score: 90%: The only really unoriginal thing is her parents' rejection of her, but that fits the story, so...

Interest Score: 85%: I would not be disappointed to find this character in a book.

Suggestions for Improvement: You could delve into a little hardcore research on the area of Sudan that Kali is from, and use that to flesh out some more minor stuff like how she dresses and how she acts in specific situations. This character honestly doesn't need much reviewing, if any, you should just go ahead and write the story.