Halfpenny OC Reviews

Hanna Lee

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Fandom: Original story. Hanna lives a normal life until an illness (Like Influenza or Bubonic Plague type extinction level.) take over the world. After getting separated from her family she must survive in a world with no government.

You could fit that in the backstory, I believe, but it works there. In the story itself you should probably be more specific about the disease, give it a name so that the characters have something to refer to it as other than 'that one Black-Plague-Type disease'. Also take the time to explore how the disease works, what the symptoms are, how it kills you, ect. if you haven't already.

No government, I like it. Different people are gonna take different approaches to not having government. Religious people might try to set up their own oligarchy, a peaceful, self-sufficient person might take to anarchy, some people will resort to crime both for survival and because, you know, why the hell not when there's no one around to stop you. You will have to decide what category Hanna falls into, and what people from the different categories she meets. Looking up a bit of group sociology wouldn't hurt.

Name/Nickname: Hanna Lee

Nice and simple. Does she have a middle name?

Age: 16

Ah, le Mary Sue age. Perhaps you should research what the legal age for being a snorkelling tour guide is, and adjust this accordingly.

Gender/Sexuality: Female, straight.

Okay, I know you probably mean cisgender, but specificity would be nice, because it really does effect the character.             

Appearance: (Straight from my work) At 16 years old Hanna was nearly a full grown woman, or at least in her mind her was. Form living in the sun she had tanned olive skin. She had a feminine face with soft fetchers, her lips were full and matched her skin tone. She had warm honey amber eyes with long dark eyelashes. Her hair was a deep natural brown with many sandy blonde sun streaks mixed in. It was so thick it she barely brushed it, which only added to the waviness. It was always reaching down to her mid back. Her body was heavy bult. She wasn't particularly thick or thin but a good in between although compared to the other girls she had more mass. She went 'ideal' but her could hold her only in the water.

That last sentence is confusing. I like that she isn't the 'perfect' weight, and that you take time to describe a particular facial feature with detail. I have no idea what 'soft fetchers' are, perhaps you meant 'features'? Either way, 'soft' is a good descriptor.

How does she move? How does she express herself? What makes this character unique?

Oh and p.s. there are some grammar issues with that paragraph (just because you mentioned it being from your work. Wouldn't want typos messing up your story!)

Personality: Independent, loner (not as in a anged way, she just enjoys the silents.), nature lover, adventurous, family loving, brave.

'Family loving' clashes with 'loner', perhaps she values family rather than loves it. You've listed off a lot of traits here, but there's not a lot about how they relate back to her interactions with the world.

Backstory: She lived in Hawaii all her life, her mother and father are hard working. She had a normal life. At 15 she got a job at a local vacation resort as a guide for snorkeling and surfing.

Right, so you need to have an ethics course certificate in order to be in charge of people, and training with diving/snorkelling to even be considered as a guide. Also you would need your CPR certificate. You might want to do a little more research and adjust her age to allow for a training period.

Powers, if relevant: None inhumanly powers, but can hold her great at holder her breath and water activities. (Swimming, surfing, fishing, etc.)

Okay, cool. It fits with her snorkelling background.                    

Strengths: Great in water and plants/animals.

What makes her great with plants and animals? Is there a reason for it or is she related to Snow White?

Weaknesses: Nirav about the things outside her world.

I understand how this would hold her back, but would it stop her? Would being nervous cause her to halt in place and regress to square one? Because she does not strike me as the type of person to give in to a little nervousness. A great way to add character development and plot twists is through weaknesses, but there has to be a strong weakness there first.                    

Other: She works as a guide for snorkeling and surfing at one of the local vacation resort, whats to be an oceanographer, good relationship with family.

Alrighty then.

.: Scores and Feedback :.

Originality Score: 80%: She's good, it's nice that she's from Hawaii, and it's especially nice that she doesn't fit the cookie-cutter body shape of a lot of female characters. Her age is a touch Mary Sue, and her weakness is a bit weak (pardon the pun).

Interest Score: 80%: The story is what interests me most, to be honest. From what I can see here, this seems like the type of story where the plot drives the character rather than the character driving the plot, so perhaps I'm not expecting as much from Hanna as I would if she were a teen fiction character instead of a apocalyptic character.

Suggestions for Improvement: Her age. Her age bothers me a lot, if you couldn't tell. Your character could use some strengthening, but like I said before she doesn't have to be as strong as a character from a teen fic or a romance, so as long as you keep her voice clear throughout the story you won't necessarily have to make her more solid.

Throw in like, five more hours of research on snorkelling and diseases and sociology and Hawaii.