I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

15. can you feel my heart

If someone would've told the non-compelled me that getting my memories back would be this hard, I'm sure I wouldn't've done it. It was exhausting and the constant headaches were not helping at all but I knew I couldn't let Kai know any of that, not when we were beginning to make real progress. Well, dreaming about my memories was not actually me getting them back completely but nonetheless it was something and unlike the memories Kai showed me, they did feel like my own. The problem was, the memories that were slipping in my dreams weren't exactly helpful, there were just a few interactions I've had with Kai in the past but nothing too different from what we were having now and Kai wasn't being too helpful with that either.

The only memories he had shown me so far were particularly good but I knew he was hiding out the bad ones, unfortunately, those were the ones that seemed to help out the most. Like if part of me knew we had to get through the bitter end of our relationship in order to fully appreciate the good moments we might've had but Kai seemed too scared to show me the bad stuff, which only made me regret telling him I've thought about running away from him before.

"So, I think maybe we should try some different memories today" I suggested, as I continued watching him flawlessly flipping our pancakes into a plate.

"It isn't a suggestion if you make it everyday" he said with a bit of irony in his voice and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You know you don't have to keep convincing me that we had something good despite you being a sociopath, I believe you" I said Kai placed one of the plates in front of me.

"I know you do, it's just that I feel like... I should balance out the bad with some good before we get into the really really bad stuff" he said, as he continued making pancakes "but I think you'd be very pleased with today's memories, in fact, we are taking it to the next level"

"We are?" I asked curious by what he meant.

"I'll show you a good one, then as requested, I'll show you what happened that night at the shed and if you're still in the mood for some more after that, we'll let you take control of a memory" he answered cheerfully and I raised my eyebrows.

"And how exactly am I going to do that?"

"Usually i'm the one keeping the memories from going full dark or twisted by the compulsion but if I let you do that part," he began to explain locking his eyes with mine " Well, I believe it might trigger your thoughts and emotions that go along with the memories I'm showing you. You'll begin to feel what you felt and know what you were thinking at that time, making the memories yours just as much as they're mine. If we can do that, then it's just a matter of time before the right one returns and creates a domino effect on the rest of them"

"So we're looking for a particular memory" I concluded and he hummed in agreement "Is that why you're mostly showing me the good ones?"

"It's sort of a theory... but I believe Bonnie anchored her spell to a significant memory so Damon's compulsion would hold"

"What exactly are we looking for? Maybe if I know, it'll come back to me easier" I said and he lowered his stare, avoiding mine.

"We need to find the memory where... you felt something so strong and so real for me that even a massive spell like Bonnie's can't make you forget about it" he answered a bit too cautious.

And it almost comes back to me as an echo from somewhere in my mind "the moment I knew how much you meant to me" I said almost in a whisper.

"To me, is the moment you decided to give me the chance everyone else denied me of... the chance to prove that I could be more than just a sociopath or the family reject" he said, looking up at me once again "the moment you believed I was worth saving... that I was worthy enough to have some good in my life"