I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

22. about spells & compulsions

3 weeks later

(warning; the vampire diaries s8 spoilers ahead)

To my surprise, Bonnie, Caroline and Elena had somehow managed to remake my old bedroom, the one that had been destroyed in the fire, everything was pretty much the same except with a modern twist or 'Caroline's final touch', which made it look a lot better than I remembered. I was also still amused by the fact I could finally use the words 'I remembered...' and actually mean it, after not being able to, for the longest time ever. 

Bonnie had somewhat lifted part of the spell, at least regarding Mystic Falls and my friends, I'd regained every single one of those memories back... well, most of them. The 'running away and fracturing my ankle' bit, had messed with the whole 'getting my memories' back process or at least that's the conclusion I'd come up with, because when I asked Bonnie about it, she seemed doubtful if I had actually started to get my memories back to begin with, her reasons being that she didn't feel the magic of the spell draining away as she did whenever she figured Kai was giving me my memories back. 

Not that it mattered, since she offered to lift the spell completely as soon as we were left alone, the only condition being to wait a fews days so I could go under some sort of 'magic cleanse' since she sensed there was something wrong with her spell from the second she saw me. Though, the cleanse didn't exactly work; still Bonnie offered to undo the spell once again but... I refused. 

Not long after I got my phone back, I called him, I knew it was probably a mistake but the urge of hearing his voice once again was stronger... to my disappointment, the number had already been disconnected, and after trying to contact him over and over again for the next few weeks, I finally allowed myself to think the worst. 

I broke his heart... there was no other way to put it, and... Kai, being Kai, was probably going to make sure he kept his promise... meaning I was never going to see him again. So when Bonnie asked if I wanted his memories back, I refused, because I realized I was going to have to live with fact that I'd let him go. 

Someone who I was supposedly in love with... was now someone I was probably never going to see again because of me and I couldn't forgive myself for it... so I was back in the same situation where the real me had probably been a few years ago. Kai was good as dead, and my old self had decided to erase every single trace of him because mourning him became too unbearable, undoing the spell meant getting all those memories back... all those feelings back... and knowing that this time I was the one who let him go... well, I couldn't live with that.

So I decided to play pretend, to live in my own lie, knowing there was a missing part of me that I would never allow myself to regain, it was what it was and I could either feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life or I could make the best of it, trying to rebuild my life seem like the better option. 

Bonnie later found out she couldn't access my memories of Kai because there was something else messing with her spell, which explained how it had gradually become more twisted. I was supposed to get my memories back the day Sage ripped the necklace off my neck, only none of us knew there were traces of a much darker magic in it placed by an unknown source, that's why she did the magic cleanse on me, to erase whatever traces were left but since I didn't get my memories back after that, we realized it didn't work but it explained a lot of things, like the the other voice inside my head, it had been caused by it.

Back at the cemetery and the hospital, whatever was messing with my head, made sure I did the impossible to end things with Kai in the worst way possible, the voice had also disappeared the second after he did.