I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

30. a kiss before lying

I got back to the Lockwood mansion shortly after seven and though I tried to catch some sleep after a whole night of driving, I'd tossed around in bed all morning, unable to close my eyes for more than five minutes without being bothered by a sudden feeling of yearning and concern. Which didn't make any sense, if anything I'd say I was more calm than I'd been in the last couple of weeks but apparently some part of me didn't agree.

Eventually my attempts to fall asleep were completely disrupted by Elena's yelling "What were you thinking? What you did was completely irresponsible!"

"I did what I thought was right and it worked"

"So putting your life in danger is what you thought was right?" she asked raising an eyebrow at me and I knew her well enough to not even think about answering that question "you have to stop being so selfish and reckless"

"Selfish? I did this for you, all of you, so we could all be safe and we will now, thanks to what I did" I retorted sharply at her "how does that make me selfish?"

"It doesn't matter, what if things hadn't turn out the way they did? The twins would've paid the consequences and you'd probably be dead now"

"Do you think I didn't consider the risks? If I'd known the twins could've end up getting hurt in any way, I wouldn't have gone through with it" I said with a frown "but you know what? Fine, I'm the one who's selfish and reckless, maybe I should just follow your steps and go hike a mountain full of werewolves on a full moon just to catch a glimpse of my humanity-less boyfriend because that's not reckless or selfish"

"That was different" Elena said crossing her arms over her chest "and don't try to turn this on me, we're not done talking about what you did"

"You're right, it was different because you were there for you and for Stefan and I was in New Orleans for my friends and family"

"Don't lie to me, you're my sister, I know you better than anyone" she said stepping towards the bed "I know you were there for Kai too"

"Maybe you did five years ago but I don't think you do anymore" I said ignoring her last comment because I knew it would only start another fight, which would end up tearing us apart even more.

"Don't say that" she mumbled with a hint of betrayal and sadness in her voice.

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't even know myself" I said more lightly, hoping it would release some of the tension in the room.

"The real reason why I'm angry" she paused, hesitating for a few seconds "is because you didn't come to me first, we used to be so close and now it feels like I'm just a stranger in my own sister's life... someone you can't even trust to tell them what you're going through"

"To be fair, I don't trust anyone to tell them how I really feel" I admitted, lowering my gaze "but it's not you... I'm the stranger... in my own home... you all have a life here and I missed it, now I'm just trying to catch up but if feels like I should try to figure out what I want for myself first"

"And I support you, that is exactly what you should be doing, you have to move on and live your life, find someone good and nice who truly loves you, and have kids and a house" she said giving me a reassuring smile and she sat on the spot next to me "you deserve to have a happy and normal human life"

"Don't you?"

"I didn't say anything before because you were going through a lot of stuff but we're trying to find a way around the cure, so Damon and I can finally have the human life that we want" she confessed, her eyes glimmering with hope and I gave her a warm hug.